Sunday, February 12, 2012

My life as it stands today

My life. I don't know. Where do I start? Here and now or in the beginning? Or in the middle perhaps when I left Sweden and moved to Australia.

Everything I thought I had has crumbled.

Once upon a time I relied on my work to keep my together. Last year it injured me and I'm now at the point where I no longer really care about it. It's not that important to me and I have come to realize that the best option for me is to change jobs. Maybe then I have I good about going to work again.

I began a relationship with a person I knew was different. I thought I could make it work. It brought me a good friend but there was always something lacking with "the rest". I don't feel lonely now but I feel like I'm missing out. I feel like I need to find that place in life where I can finally feel like I'm in my grove.

It's absolutely sickening to me to blog month after month about how bad I feel. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel and there isn't. There simply is no end in sight that I can plan for or foresee. The only way this is going to get solved is by some sheer fluke and that includes finally getting my medication right.

Yesterday I had a mild psychotic episode. The episode resulted in my going back to my doctor early and seeing her. I changed my medication. I have to go off the mirtazapine which has proved itself to be a rather horrible drug. I need to get it out of my system. I don't know how it all will pan out but I hope Prozac will be my friend. If nothing else it apparently suppresses appetite unlike mirtazapine which just makes you want to eat. Maybe I will be skinny after all because maybe Prozac contains the will power I have lacked when it comes to really controlling what I put in my mouth and swallow.


The knowing that I'm broken, possibly not so much from the breakdown anymore but from the medication is hard to take. All I really want at this stage is to be happy again and I'm not sure how that can even be achieved. I have a very vague idea of what my future hold and as much as I can see the advantage of that I really feel that right now I could use a plan.

The failure of my relationship is devastating. Not that I feel completely hurt and heartbroken but because I, again, choose not to see the signs and I choose to believe that I could make it work. There are relationships that are not meant to be and there are people who are not compatible. Being able to be great friends and being able to be in a loving relationship are not the same thing. A loving relationship includes being friends but if you're not willing to work on the relationship all you have is a friendship that's not going to work either. I know. I tried all that.

I wish I had it all figured out by now but I don't and it appears it doesn't get better with age. For some reason it just keeps going and the problems just get more complex. I wish it was the other way around.

As I sit here today I realize that I push people at times because I really need to bring about a solution as quickly as possible and I do it because I'm no longer happy with the status quo. I can no longer sit back and go along for the ride. I need to release myself of everything that is making me feel bad. I need freedom to move as a whole person finally.

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