Hi, I'm Spilling Ink and I'm an addict. I'm addicted to feeling worthless.
Or so I'm told.
Sunday I felt like crap, with it being the day after the psychosis and all, and feeling a little more helpless than usual I e-mailed my old shaman teacher because she claims to be able to do just about anything. Like healing and stuff. Like curing people and stuff..
I shouldn't make fun of her because she'll probably know because a shaman is a tricky person and you just never know if they actually have all the powers they claim to have or not. It's a bit like God, you just have to hedge your bets just in case because as far as actual proof goes there is none.
Anyway, feeling seriously desperate I e-mailed this woman who I studied shamanism with some years ago to ask her if she would counsel me. I offered to pay but she didn't want any money (but she did send me a link that offers her making a medicine bag for $29.95 for me). I told her what the issues are and she diagnosed me as being addicted to feeling worthless.
I felt she was being a bit harsh and I suspect I felt that was because she is probably right. There's a lot of truth in what she said. I suppose I was looking more for a solution and less for a diagnosis but you can't have it all especially not if you're not actually forking out any money for it. I suppose the cure takes time. First I have to admit that I'm sick and what the illness is.
So OK, I'm addicted to feeling worthless and I have been sober for 0 days so no little badge thingy for me and I flatly refuse to apologize to any of you should I have even accidentally have hurt you. I'm sorry. Shit! No, I'm not!
My mind is what it is and it wants to know the way out of feeling worthless and right now I'm none the wiser but who knows, perhaps one day I will. In the mean time I can report that at this particular point I'm not feeling too shabby.
I discovered the most amazing thing today and that is that just feeling almost normal, i.e. almost neutral, feels fucking amazing. I'm sorry but I had to swear there to emphasize the fact that it feels AMAZING. I'm not anywhere near euphoric or happy, I even still feel a tiny bit sad, but it feels so amazing. Yay for me!
I'll keep you posted on what my shaman comes up with especially if I get any weird conditions because I kind of was a bit disrespectful, and if it works I'm happy to refer you. :P
Sweet thoughts, my lovelies.
P.S. I didn't get red roses for Valentines Day, I got a sunshiny yellow bouquet because we've had so much rain and grey skies lately apparently I needed some sunshiny yellow. :)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
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