It's been tiring. It's been very tiring. That's why I'm not going to talk about "it". I don't want to talk about "it".
I'm about to head out to a garden party and I don't feel like going. I don't feel like being around people today and that's a shame. Today is one of those days when I feel soooo less confident and like I don't want to do my hair. I want to hide.
I used to suffer from social anxiety except I didn't know it was social anxiety. I just thought I was awkward and retarded. This is a a bit different to how I used to be. I'm fully aware that as a person I stack up pretty well, I don't have any real traits that make people recoil in disgust, but what I do have is low tolerance for prattle. I don't feel like prattling today even though I'm perfectly able to.
So I'm a sourpuss. I admit it. I've turned and old grump about 30-50 years too early and I'm not ashamed of it, not one iota, in fact I'm wearing it like a god damned badge. There are days I feel like I've lived two lifetimes worth of "it", "it" being things that piss people off and that tends to make them old and grumpy perhaps even prematurely, like "it" has me, and that I have a god given right to feel a little at odds with how my life has, is and will pan out. The whole future thing is of course stil up in the air but it doesn't mean I have to shy away from being at odds with it!
Every time I whinge about "it" there's someone who's done it worse and that does nothing to improve my mood because now I'm not even allowed to feel sorry for myself without having some jerk "trying to cheer" me up with stories about how they or someone else did it tougher. That kind of different from being supportive. It's a kind of one-upmanship. It's just that I prefer supportive right now and I don't want to compare with others.
I get it! I'm not doing it harder than anyone else but I do feel grumpier about it now. Right now. I want easy breezy and I don't want to be told that life is not like that. There has to be times when that happens. Now would be a good time. I kind of feel I earned it. I kind of feel entitled. I have a sense of entitlement.
So it's with this mindset that I will social butterfly today. I don't think they are compatible, do you?
I will do my best not to roll my eyes when someone tells me ALL about their very interesting and high powered job and I will avoid alcohol. Alcohol is the truth serum and today isn't the day for truths. Today is the day for fake smile and.....*shudder*.....idle prattle.
And, I lied to my lawn mower guy and told him I didn't want to him to mow the lawn today because I'm not home today to pay him. He just busted me being home. I was hoping he would come later after I'd left. I'm not happy. He shouldn't have insisted on coming today. It's all his fault. I'm trying really hard not to feel bad. It's not my fault that's for sure.
I hate the sound of the lawn mower. It does nothing to improve my mood.
I still love you guys though. I can say that without being drunk.
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