I find it really hard to write at the moment. Let me say that again: I find it really hard to write at the moment. It’s important that I do though, very important.
When I saw my psychologist last Wednesday she asked me if I had considered journaling or any other form of writing to “get it out”. You know I do. I also told her about my cute little notebook where I write down things about me. Good things. Great things. Wonderful things. Beautiful things. Things contrary to the script that runs in my head.
Fred from the Fred Effect popped over and left me a link to thought stopping. Without really knowing it I’ve begun practising it in a slightly different way.
I’ve noticed that there are a few things that I can do that distract my mind from becoming too occupied with the script (the script that tells me how worthless and god awful I am…). I say “too occupied” because it’s also important for me to sometimes listen to it so I can change it.
The things I find help stopping the script from running:
I really enjoy yoga and wouldn’t want to be without it. We’re going to get married because as much as I love yoga, yoga loves me too. The most important thing about yoga when it comes to stopping the script from running is that it’s virtually impossible not to concentrate on what you’re doing when you’re “striking a pose” and breathing your way through holding that pose. Like I said, yoga and I will get married. Soon.
Broodwar is my new friend. It’s an old game but it works for me. It’s impossible for the script to run when I play it. I’m too busy being zerg commanding my zerg hoard grinding another zerg hoard into the ground and working my way to an E P I C W I N ! Another bonus is that when I win I feel really good. (If the computer zerg is winning I quit the mission and start a new one. HA! I win either way. Watch me do the victory dance. Do you see me baby? Shaking that ass!) When I start feeling really anxious or down I find that playing a computer game is by far the fastest way of getting myself away from those feelings. Quick diversion tactic then I can go back and start to think differently.
Meh v. Celebration
I’m dividing outcomes into two different categories: Meh and Celebration. Anything that can be seen as a loss is met with a meh and anything that is a win, however small, is celebrated. I’m purposely going about celebrating every damn thing I do that’s even remotely good. Yesterday I celebrated how well I stacked the dishwasher. I was awesome. I wish you could have been there! You would have been super impressed! Now this will eventually become a little demented but for now I really need that much encouragement. Believe it or not.
Thought stopping is probably the next natural step because there will come a time when I will really need to start teaching my mind that I don’t accept the kind of stunts it’s currently pulling on me. In order to change the habit that the negative script is I have to notice the opposite of it as much as I can so I can prove it wrong. We are collecting evidence of the contrary here, mmmmkay? I also have to stop the thought pattern as soon as I notice it beginning to play its little script (See how I made it feel small there? It's because it is! It's nothing to me. Nothing! It's not even the dirt on the soles of my shoe. It's lower on the evolutional scale than doggie do). It takes a lot of work but it’s going to work. You know what I mean. If you don’t go read Fred's thing on thought stopping. It’s useful.
Over and out. I have thoughts to stop.
Strike a pose! Bring me another hoard of zerglings to be sacrificed by my lurkers! Go me!
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