Monday, December 12, 2011

Opposite and a bit about how I feel right now

I meant it when I said I had nothing to post about but every time I say something I have to do the opposite just to be.....opposite.

A friend said, when we were still in our teens, that I would be like the old lady who died in the old folktale who was so stubborn she would float upstream when they put her in the river.

I, she claimed wouldn't do it because I was stubborn though (although my mum has always claimed that I am), I she said would do it because I had to explore the opposite to what others found natural. Had she been aware of the term "devil's advocate" she may have used it.

I think she was right.

I'm of the firm opinion that an opinion is just an opinion. One should play with them, exchange them, examine them, debate them, explore them, turn them upside down and inside out, and change them frequently. Opinions are things we have to amuse ourselves with.

This is why I find it hard to post at the moment. That and the fact that I don't have anything inspirational to say. You can only whinge so much about your lot before you feel like you're starting to burden others.

You see I appreciate every reader I get here. I appreciate the comments I get (duh, obviously!) because I love the exchange of opinions and ideas.

I don't like bringing to you week after week of me describing my battle with the beast (aka depression) because it will be how I got out of it that will be nice to post about. I would like to fast forward to that simply because I'm not enjoying this particular phase I'm going through one bit.

I'm discovering though some pretty raw wounds that I have applied to current situations that belong to the past. I need to deal with this be they related to my current condition or not. I need to make myself understand that I'm not the worthless troll I think I am. I can see it but I just can't believe it.

I need to love myself out of this, that's such a cliche but that's exactly what I feel I need to do. I need to once and for all understand that how I feel about myself is just plain wrong. I need to look around me and see more of what others think of me, and that is oddly enough very contrary to how bad I feel about myself.

I'm fortunate my friends in that I have people around me who mirror good back at me and who show appreciation for me. I'm fortunate that I have a good therapist. I'm fortunate to have you dear reader here who when I today posted that I wasn't going to post and felt bitterly disappointed in myself for so many reasons, reassured me and told me it was OK. And this is the hard part to admit, told me that you may even be impatient for my return. It's hard to believe because it's not how I feel about me.

I'm so very grateful I have that now. It helps.

In the end though it's clearly myself that I have to battle with and the beliefs I hold about myself. Maybe the posts will be weird when I post but I hope that someone will recognize themselves, find inspiration, and perhaps even courage, in them because that is what ultimately want when I write. That much has become clear to me.

So it may be sporadic. It may be a little disconnected but like I said, I'm here and I'm reading your blogs. I'm just doing more lurking than participating.

1 comment:

  1. You know, when I was at my lowest ebb an incident occurred that made me stop and think. Someone told me to love myself and I turned right round and asked Why? I really did not understand how/why I could even think of myself as anything other than a failure, a miserable, mean little individual who had no redeeming qualities.

    Love myself? Heck I could barely live with myself!

    That is what depression does to a person. It makes them stare in the mirror and see someone they don't like looking back at them.

    The trick, my friend, is to write down all of you qualities. It may take a while to get started, it did for me lord knows, but persevere, write them all down however small they may seem and believe me, mine began with "I'm nice to animals" and then pin the list on your wall and read it often.

    Add to it too whenever you can
    Let it grow, let it blossom, let it bear the fruit of self-esteem

    Want to know what I added to my list today?
    I make cracking mincemeat!


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