I would like to start this post by saying, no admitting, that I'm drunk. No, not drunk but a little bit tipsy. I'm a little bit tipsy because today things went wrong and I decided to self medicate. As one does. When things go wrong.
I don't actually know if things went all that wrong or whether I kind of brought it to a point where it burst and probably ended my relationship with O. As some of you know it's been a little weird at times. I say weird because I don't want to say bad. I don't want to be judgmental at this stage.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I literally woke up thinking I couldn't care less if I was dead, in fact it may even be preferable. That's not the same as being suicidal because being suicidal makes one want to act on it and actually make it happen. It was more a thought that if I was dead I wouldn't feel pain. I wasn't too alarmed by this state because it's part of the depression although I can't say I enjoy it.
Today things happened that apparently made me go nuts again. I don't know if I should tell you about these things. Maybe I should. I have come to realize that there are some very wise ones out there and I need wisdom at the moment. Not my own but other people's wisdom.
O can't be in a relationship. He doesn't get it. the whole thing of being in a relationship is like being shackled to him and my mistake is that I've been trying to have a relationship with this man. It's not going to work.
In O's mind we're great mates which is apparently better than anything else in this world. My mind finds it confusing and thinks it diminishes me as a woman. It makes it feel like I'm unattractive. This is rather warped.
A few months ago when the whole shitstorm was on I found out that O had corresponded via e-mail with a woman and written her two erotic letters. He had been honest enough to tell her, apparently, that he's in a relationship but they kept talking. They apparently stopped when I found out but today he added her on Facebook. He's only just started Facebook so her and I are the only people on his friend's list. I did my nut.
I don't think I'm wrong with doing my nut but I'm now faced with him storming out and Bee mourning. Bee should have nothing to do with this but she does because she is part of the family. Where O is I do not know and I don't expect us to stick together after this. Apparently he feels "caged". I don't know what I feel, maybe I'm a bit relieved...., but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Not as soon as I sober up because I ain't drunk but rather as soon as I decide to feel something.
You know what? I'm tired.
I just want things to smooth out and things at work to be well. Merry said in a comment the other day that she hates my work even if she doesn't work there and it made me think. Merry, you made me think, you made me think that what was my whole word is a very poor companion indeed.
Through my two (bad) marriages I hinged my whole existence on my work and my so called career. It was dependable. It did what it promised to do and since I never asked it to fulfill me or make me happy I was "happy" with it.
My two marriages were rotten. The first one should have disappointed me but I was too busy surviving, literally. The second was a failure from the start and I knew it but I tried to stick it out and make it work because I didn't want to fail. It did.
When I met O I had no hope that it was going to turn out OK. I didn't want a relationship, or so I thought. I must have wanted it because I accepted it and I accepted his inability to not quite commit and to not give me a label. I was his friend. That was a higher status than anyone.
If I called him now I wonder if he would answer but I don't think he would. I think he will move out and then we're left working together and it will be very awkward. Bee will be very sad. All is lost.
But maybe this needed to happen. Maybe there is really something better out there for me. I don't know how that could be because I'm so god damn faulty and apparently I need a therapist even though I think in this case I really don't. I think in this case my head was screwed on precisely right when I asked him why the hell he had added this woman to his Facebook.
Take me or leave me. I think that's what it comes down to, no?
He came back and he came back to tell me that he's moving out. I told him that I would like him to leave now but apparently I should go stay with his parents. That makes sense. To him.
I ended up calling his parents. I'm not proud of it. He had already called his parents. They knew. They told me he's the mad one. I don't know if they're paying me lip service but is that even important?
His dad talked him into coming out of his room to talk to me only he didn't talk to me at all. He just say there. I tried to talk because that's what I do. I try to talk things through. This is a tactic that doesn't work with O.
This is all getting a little tedious and as the story progresses I'm realizing that I'm quite the arse. For putting up with all this. What's wrong with me? Do I have some sort of self esteem issues? Yes, I do. That's why I put up with all this.
I'm left with this:
a. I'm crazy. I'm a raging crazy and I need to have my head checked. Those are not my words but sometimes it's important to consider input from others.
b. I'm crazy. For putting up with this shit and for thinking I could keep this "relationship" together. I need my arse kicked.
c. I'm a freakishly awesome person who just sold herself really short and who thought she could have a relationship with a guy who is rather messy in the head. I still need my arse kicked.
d, I'm crazy because I really need to kick get my arse kicked and wake up to what a healthy relationship really is. I need one of them or I don't need it.
e. I need to have my ego stroked to realize that as much as I needed my arse kicked I now need to have my ego stroked. I'm smart, I'm gorgeous and I can kick my own arse. Basically I rock. See I can stroke my own ego too, there's simply no end to my talents.
f. Things need to change around here! Oh yeah, they need to change around here! They need to change in whatever way they need to change so that I can get on with my life and be happy. Remember happy? That's the little fussy feeling one gets in the chest or stomach area that makes your mouth smile for no real apparent reason. I need change and I need happy.
Now we can take any of those or even a combination. I would like to write off a immediately because my therapist doesn't seem to think that's me. I would like feel good right now about what I just wrote and I would like to feel like I can do something right in life because that would be nice, a bonus if you like. I would like to feel OK and I would like to kick depression right in the nads because that's where it hurts the most. Other than that I'm actually fine. Other than that I think I will be absolutely peachy my dears (I say with a trembling voice and a fair dose of disbelief).
I'm a survivor. My therapist told me so.
Oh yeah, and Merry is right. I listen to Merry and I will keep what she said in mind.
Did I tell you guys I love you?
Oh yeah, then there's the part about how friends don't treat each other like crap. That's an important part right now.
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