My Expectations are so Low they've bottomed out Completely

In about an hour's time the "in-laws" are arriving to try to facilitate some sort of communication I guess. The house is a mess. I'm not a mess but I don't feel like I want to pretend at all. O and I have not spoken since last night and right now I just want him out of my house, and yes I will say my house, because it's where I live. I don't want him in my living space. Lebensraum. I want it free of things that make me feel bad.

Somewhere behind all this lurks a little sadness but I'm not sure if it's the depression or if it's the break up. Does it even matter? I don't think so. I think in my mind there's no turning back so let's get this over and done with. I think that's what he wants too.

Nothing will be said today that will help at all. Nothing will be achieved today that will help at all. I have thought through every single thing that led up to this and I'm firm in that I shouldn't have to put up with this shit because I....don't have to put up with this shit. I just deserve better. I actually really believe that.

I'm developing some nicer thoughts about what I want and what I want is a relationship where I actually feel valued. I know that's a hard ask at the moment what with the depression and all but if I can't have that I will have a relationship with myself and this time I'm going to make that relationship functional. We're going to get loving ourselves and we're going to love ourselves until we're better, so much better.

I have work to do but not as much work as I thought. I have some way to go but not as far as I thought.

One thing that I don't like is the anger that's lurking. It wants to lash out but it's not going to achieve anything. That is the one thing that should not enter into this. There's simply nothing to be angry about. It's over. Now we go about mending our own fences in separate ways and we don't dilly dally around in some half arsed way where we pretend that we're friends. We're not friends. We're are not enemies either. We are nothing. That's where I want it to be.

I'm hurt. It's not the kind of hurt that rips you apart and leaves you gasping for air. It's the kind of hurt that comes from being slighted and from realizing that you're a giant jerk because you've made a mistake. It's the kind of hurt that mutters "I trusted you and you brought it to this."

I have no expectations that he will go easy. He will stay here forever and try to pretend that we can live in the same house as flatmates. He will argue that he pays rent so he has a right to stay. I will argue he has a place he can stay and the civil thing to do right now is to leave and give me and Bee space. We need space. I need space. The only person I want in my space right now is Bee. I have to right my fuck up in Bee's mind so that it doesn't become a problem for her.

Bee's state of mind is essential. It has to be the priority. It has to be the one thing that is treated with  compassion. She is thirteen and this is very hard for her. Suddenly her world has changed into something she didn't want or anticipated.

It's been a hard slog being up until now but I can't help thinking that I in my mind has made it so much harder for myself. I sent our Christmas photos to my parents and didn't hear from them for days. When my Dad finally sent me an e-mail one of the things he said was that I'm a handsome woman a father can be proud of. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that so much. My soul gobbled the sentence up and gently mulled on it because it felt so good.

The Universe has thrown family by way of Facebook my way in the past month and on Christmas Eve an old friend of mine, and old best friend of mine, found me. I don't care if it's just Facebook. At least they want to get in contact with me.

The last day of 2011 brings no real surprises it seems. It will end pretty much the way it's been ticking along the whole year. Major blows mixed in with some blessings. It appears I will start the new year single. It appears I will have to rely only on myself again. It appears that I will continue to dream about finding someone to love me. It appears I'm free to plot a new course in whatever direction I feel like heading.

Happy sailing in a Happy 2012! The sky's the limit (only if you require a limit - if not: From here to infinity!) 

Bonne navigation dans un 2012 heureux! Le ciel est la limite (seulement si vous avez besoin d'une limite - si non: D'ici à l'infini!) 

Angenehmes Segeln in einen guten Rutsch ins 2012! Der Himmel ist die Grenze (nur wenn Sie eine Grenze erfordern - wenn nicht: Von hier bis unendlich!) 

Lycklig segling i ett Gott 2012! Det finns inga gränser (endast om du behöver en gräns - om inte: Härifrån till oändligheten!) 

Glade sejler i en Happy 2012! Kun fantasien sætter grænser (kun hvis du har brug for en grænse - hvis ikke:! Herfra til uendelig!) 

Happy New Year my friends, Happy New Year!