One thing I don't like about being on leave is that it gives me time to think. I don't need time to think right now especially not if it means that I will start thinking things I would rather not think. I find it, I have to admit, extremely hard to enjoy what's going on in my head right now.
I long for the days when I was carefree but here's the real problem with that kind of longing. I can't honestly remember a time after the age of five when I really was. I'm not sure if it all changed when I started school and it was all so traumatic that I developed social anxiety and just decided that the world was an unkind place and the people in it were no better.
I know that world view is not true because I'm surrounded by people who care. When I say this year was really hard and I say I have to be fair and say it brought a lot of benefits I'm talking about the benefits that having people support me brings.
I also have to be fair and admit that I have a really hard to time accepting help because I feel I don't deserve it. It's a trust issue in the end and even though it's not hard to see that people give support because they want to I simply can't reconcile in my head that they do it for me because they want to do it for me. That would mean I have to admit that I have some sort of value.
When I wake up in the morning, like I have today, and I feel like I'm just one big raw open wound I wonder when it will all stop and I do feel like it's all hopeless. I want to get away from this feeling so desperately that I start fearing that I will take drastic action. With that I don't mean suicide, I'm nowhere near that point, but it all seems to pointless fighting with this disease. There are times when I just want to let it take over and give up. I want to turn my back on people before they have chance to turn their back on me because I'm becoming such a pain in the arse.
One of the things I can see rather clearly about myself is that I just don't have any value of self at all. It's all been eroded and I'm desperately looking for confirmation that I'm of some value to someone. I want to wake up in the morning and feel like there's someone who cannot do without me, that I would be missed if I was gone. I know Bee would miss me desperately but it's not enough for my mind. It wants more and it wants the big gaping whole in my soul filled with love. I can't generate that love myself so I'm constantly looking to others for it. It's not hard to see that it's a sort of disease I'm suffering from.
Feeling like this isn't normal and trying to squash it down and pretend that it's not there is not going to work. Right now I'm incredibly tired and it used to be that tired was what I longed for but now that it's here it bothers me because there's so much I want to do. If I could just figure out what it all is.
I'm beginning projects though and one of them is to dye jeans. I bought three new pairs yesterday (and I'm down a size from half a year ago - not enough but still nothing to be sneezed) and I will tie dye, or something, the white pair just for funsies. I think projects are important for me right now because keeping my mind occupied may be the only thing that stands in the way on me doing the Titanic.
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