I went to see my psychologist today and I'm glad I did. It was a little like doing yoga was yesterday. I didn't feel like doing it but once I had done it I felt better.
I have major depression. You don't get any awards or special recognition for telling me things like that now. I've kind of figured that out. I have a huge gap in my soul and I need to fill it to make my soul whole. You know, like it once was in the beginning. Landfill.
It's not going to happen because someone tells me I'm awesome and smart. Believe you me when I say that my psychologist is my biggest fan but I pay her yo so she ought to be. I kind of like to believe she would be anyway. I think she would be but it's hard for me to believe it. That's how my mind works. Anyway, what worries her is the turn things have taken.
I have no real reason to feel the way I do. I mean, sure I have this really bad manager who's making my life less pleasant but in the big scheme of things it could be a lot worse. I think we can all agree on that. I can certainly agree on that. The fear I feel in relation to my situation is disproportional. The state I'm in is a kind of grieving state. My medical doctor wants to medicate me again. I just want to walk through this fucker once and for all and be done with it. Once and for all because it feels like this has been going on an eternity when it's really just been the last few months that I've been depressed.
My problem is the mood that had descended on me and that is sticking to me like a band aid. It's eating away at my heart and soul, at my very essence, and I want it gone. We're getting a divorce whether it likes it or not.
Love is the answer.
Like I told my psych to day, if I had my way I'd be sitting curled up in a corner having someone, preferably O or Bee or even better both, telling me how much they love me, how awesome I am and how much they have to have me in their lives because they love, love, love me that much. That however would only be a band aid.
You see when there's a lack in one area in your life, when you feel completely unappreciated and hard done by in one area, you run the risk of starting to tax another too much in order to achieve some sort of balance. I could easily bleed them dry and I don't want to do that. What I want is very simple:
I want to become so whole that I don't need the love of others to get me by. The love of others should be the icing on the cake, it should never be the cake. My own love for me has to be the cake. I love cake.
I need the script that is running in my head that's telling me I'm ugly and particularly worthless to be removed once and for all. I have watched it play over and over for the past few weeks and it's amazingly destructive. It's gone viral in my head and it's time to bring in the big guns whatever they are. Is it still possible to buy old Cold War nukes off the Russians and are they still affordable?
I have to stop waiting for someone to save me. No one is going to. There's no magic rescue team that will turn up, apologize for being late and then proceed to get me out of everything that makes me feel bad. It ain't going to happen. I need to get myself out of this....with a bit of help from my friends. You cannot underestimate the help you get from friends but at the end of the day I need to be my own hero. I need to become my own knight in shining armor minus the sex change and take responsibility for my own life.
I need to deal with the whole massively huge issue I have with feeling like no one cares. I have issues. I really do believe that I'm so worthless that no one cares. I'm wrong. I care. A whole bunch of other people care too and not only the people who get paid to do so.
Today the fog lifted a little and I hope tomorrow it will prevail. In the meantime I will be monitoring myself closely, eat right, exercise and remind myself how god damn awesome I am.
Over and out. I have an ego to build.
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