Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Arcccch and a lot of things I shouldn't write

You know when your dog is chasing its tail? You don't have a dog?! Work with me. Please. Picture in your mind that you have a mutt and it's one of those poor misguided creatures that likes to chase its tail. You have a dog? Your dog may be mentally stimulated and physically satisfied enough not to chase its tail and I applaud you for it. If you have a dog that chases its tail: I'm sorry. Try some of Cesar Milan's trick or exercise the poor bugger more.

Where was I? I was chasing my tail, that's where I was. I have been chasing that tail for some time and while it's a very good way of exercising my mind I'm growing weary of it. I need to start doing something else.

Patterns. I have patterns, patterns that are a little like airplane holding patterns and currently being in the holding pattern includes a message from the pilot saying I'm in a holding pattern because the landing gear is stuck and won't come down. That's the depression part of it. Figuratively speaking.

Did I mention I'm a little tired of being depressed. I'm actually suffering from depression, that is the correct term, because when I should be kicking ass and dancing to the beat of my soul's music I'm doing the hard slog believing every damned word that my subconscious chooses to dish up at me.

I'm worthless. That's my personal favorite, or it was at least until I grew very tired of it. I'm very tired of it. I'm also tired of waiting for someone (SOMEONE!) to tell me that I'm not even though I will dismiss it and will be in need of persuasion.

There are few people who are willing to persuade you. People tell you that they care but they really don't like sticking around for the persuasion part. They don't like spending time reassuring you.

I understand that it's a giant drag. I understand that it's hard work. You may not think it but I would do it for them, I really would.

Today I've come down again in a giant heap and it's so easy to blame the depression but what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I think of my parents who don't want to talk to me. I have failed to show them that they're important. I know I have. But here it is my friends, here it is as naked as it can possibly be, they have failed to show me that I'm important too. I can't remember a time when I felt important. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like I'm a drain on someone's resources, a waste of space. All I want, no all I need, is a little bit of feeling important to someone. To feel like I'm worth something to someone. Like I have value. I need to hear it, I need to feel it.

Fuck it O. I need you to step up to the plate.

2 comments:

  1. where do I start? You know what I would say and you know that I am just like you so imagine all that I would say to a fellow sufferer, then multiple it by a zillion.

    This is really dumb but, what works for me is to get out and do something interesting, in my case, gazing at dusty museum pieces of prehistoric carvings of reindeer and old stone tools. No logic, no reason, they just brighten my life and, more to the point, they distract me from the negative thoughts. Ideally I'd work in the British Museum, I may put that on a job application. "When I was close to suicide your swimming reindeer rescued me"

    Then make plans, small plans or huge plans...

    And give yourself small treats, for me a cup of tea in bed is a treat even if I do have to make it for myself.

    And mostly, know that you are not alone, or abnormal or worthless, you are just someone who thinks too much and feels too deeply

    Book a flight to France for next summer and come stay at my house with me and the Rags, plenty of room, lots of loving friendly folk and the company of one who gets it. I can promise you support, love and some crazy days with those French folk.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know what Mouse, and I don't say this lightly, you are my sister because we are so much....us....alike. I have adopted you as mine and there's nothing you can do about it I'm afraid.

    I came back to delete this post because ow, too honest, and I found your comment and I know in my heart of hearts that you are right but I needed so much to hear it today.

    I don't have words today, and I'm supposed to have words, I'm made of words, but this is so big for me and I can't capture it in words...

    I thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. I'm flattered, I really am, because you're an amazing person. Just amazing. And I, I'm a lucky person, a very lucky person.

    ReplyDelete

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