Monday, November 14, 2011

It's not all gloss and fairy floss! (Fairy floss is provincial English for cotton candy all y'all)

I’m not known for being overly positive on my blog I should think.

I’ve shared my breakdown with you and I’ve shared too much about the man problems I had a few months ago (we need to talk about that you and I but now is not the time).

I spend a fair amount of time sniping at the world in general and especially at things corporate. Lately I started snarling at capitalism too (and I now fear that I will soon be referred to as “Castro’s little bitch” in the blogosphere).

I’m discontent and grouchy. The best thing about writing about it is that I’ve come to realize that I’m not the only one feeling bitchy. I’m not grouchy because of hormones. I’m grouchy because there’s something amiss in this world.

Don’t get me wrong, I count my blessing every day.

All three of them.

Or six if you count the cats.

I think that most of us in the blogosphere want to paint a rosy picture of our lives for fear of being seen as failures if we don’t. Partially at least. Perhaps even more importantly though we do it because we want to inspire. I would bet my last dollar that most of the female bloggers out there have some sort of “hidden” agenda that makes them want to write things that inspire other women into doing great things. We all have a little Oprah inside us that just can’t wait to shine on through.

Some of us want to appear to be Wonderwoman too. Look at me! I can make the kids’ lunch, counsel friends on the phone, do my beauty routine and exercise, have a great sex life, quilt pillows in the shape of vegetables for starving children in Africa and blog all at the same time, and so can you! You go girl!

I’m guilty of it and I have to admit that even in my darkest moments I get all kittens and fluffy bunnies on the inside when I get a comment on one of my posts that tells me “I needed to hear that”. Is there anything that could possibly validate you more or to make you feel that it’s all worth it, and I mean ALL worth it, in the end? No. There’s not. At moments like that the little Oprah who lives inside me (yes, I have a small black woman living inside me and so do you!) puts on her cheerleader uniform, brings out the pom poms and does a little dance for me. Oh, yes. It's good.

One of the reasons I read blogs is that they inspire me. Another reason is that I thirst for the experiences of others. I can’t possibly do it all with the limited time I have in this life so I cheat and assimilate the experiences of others. It’s nice when those experiences are good but I tell you what inspires me the most; it’s the experiences that show me that something needs to change and brings about action as a result of it.

The truth of it is though that I'm just one woman living one life.

It’s easy to feel lonely when things are not going well. 2011 will go down in my history as being one of the most tumultuous years of my life. It’s one of those years when I should have had it together but lost it completely.

In March I suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of work related issues. You can read about it in any post tagged “the Breakdown”. I wish I could say I was OK now, it’s been a long time, but the result seems to be that I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I don’t cope with work very well, or perhaps it’s more a case of me noticing how stressed work makes me now, and every day I think that there has to be a better way to make money and to live. I’m capable. I’m awesome at what I do. I have come to loath the word career. I don’t like my job one bit. I like some of the people there but I don’t like my job. I would like to have a job where I get to inspire people to greater things than they even imagined they could do themselves. The black monolith building I work in is full of people who feel like me.

I don’t spend enough time with my 13 year old daughter. I fear that we will drift apart and that I seem to her as distant and disinterested as my own parents did when I was a teen. She still needs me. I should be more available.

I live from holiday to holiday. I don’t sleep well and coffee is my best friend.

I’m one of the fortunate few who earn enough money to be able to put some away for a rainy day. That’s being fortunate. Many people I know are losing their homes and can’t afford to put food on the table. These are scary times. I’m blessed.

I’m in a relationship that is a bit weird. Some of you know about the troubles I had a few months back. Some of you told me to get the hell out. Maybe I should have or maybe there is such a thing as being scared and mouthing off not really knowing what you said. Take a swing before the opponent does. I’m hedging my bets and things are a lot better. I am though, as always, deathly afraid of being abandoned but I would be no matter who I was with. This is one of the major issues I need to deal with and it’s what kept me in relationships that were not great in the past.

I’m a survivor but I hate to admit it. I carry scars that I don’t feel I’m entitled too. I feel I didn’t suffer enough to warrant the scars I know are there. I try to forget about being shoved up against a wall, having my life threatened and being dragged through the house in front of my scared daughter. I count my blessings every day that I had the guts to leave. I kick myself every day for allowing myself to be in two relationships that were like that, for wasting years and years of my life. I wonder if I will ever be OK and feel good about me again, if I will ever feel safe in a relationship. I walk around saying things like “It’s not like they nailed nails into my feet to keep me from running away” because I have developed some sort of weird survivor’s guilt. I blame my parents for my poor self-esteem.

My mind is sometimes a very messy place and right now I feel like I can’t structure my thoughts enough to write a good post. I want to do so many things and write so much. I forget that I started this blog just to write without thinking about if the content was any good or if what I was saying was important. The ambitious part of me demands that I be inspirational, clever and witty. The real me keeps telling me it’s just a bit of fun and to relax.

No, it's not all gloss and fairy floss (remember that's cotton candy all y'all) but at the end of the day I can’t complain. All in all life’s not all that bad and I can certainly see, very clearly indeed, that things could be a lot worse.

Have a great day out there! You know you deserve it.

6 comments:

  1. I had to go and look up 'fairy floss.' To me, that sounds like something fairies use to clean their teeth. 'Round these parts, we call that stuff Cotton Candy. Did you know that December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day in the U.S.?

    Did you know that I go off on tangents when I don't have any useful, insightful comments to make but still I want to leave a comment so that the poster knows that I'm thinking of her? I'm sorry things stink right now. I hope they get better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Duh! I forgot about the fairy floss v. cotton candy debate. I should know better but then on the other hand I made you learn something new today Merry.

    Thanks for the comment. I've been wondering how you were doing out there. I'm guessing you're real busy with work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. A wise woman once told me to put the horrible past down.

    The only thing that's important is now, and tomorrow.

    It works for me.

    SP

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I'm just one woman, living one life." I love that line. I find myself on a daily basis telling myself that there are all these things I'm "supposed" to do. Things that I know that I probably could do, but don't. Then I start to think about why on earth would I want to do those things (grind my own grain for flower, decorate my house super fancy, hit the gym every day, etc.) and I realize that some of my motivation is simply to say that I did it. It's like I'm on a constant mission to prove myself to...someone. And I can't even tell you who that someone is. It's tiring and silly and I'm working hard to STOP doing that. Because I wind up grumpy and depressed and it's pointless to feel that way about stuff that doesn't matter to anyone but me. (Sorry for the super long comment.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stephanie, I think you may have just hit the nail on the head with your comment. It is tiring! And like you I don't know who that "someone" is.

    Oh yeah, super long comments are OK. I love when it sort of becomes a discussion with people getting involved.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can't believe I'm just getting around to really reading your blog. This is a GREAT post and sums up why I don't post at all sometimes.... I start writing and writing and get so lost, I can't remember where I started! GREAT POST and totally honest... and I LOVE it! :)

    ReplyDelete

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