Tuesday, November 22, 2011

If you want to be the best, you must... lose... your... mind

No, the topic is in no way related to the topic of this post. No really. I mean it.

Some of you were here with me when I lost my mind and my grip on reality, and I began to relate to my manager at work with the same fondness one would a T-Rex. No really, that is how I felt. She was a T-Rex, I was going to die and she was the one who was going to kill me. I didn’t literally believe all that but that’s how I felt.

I realized, even at the height of the breakdown (or should that be the lowest point?), that I was going through something that distorted my reality profoundly. It took me longer to figure out why my mind had a meltdown and the cause of it.

I think most breakdowns occur when you’re faced with something that conflicts with your own beliefs to the point that you can’t match facts with those beliefs. If you believe something strongly and you suddenly have irrefutable proof in front of you of something contradictory then you’re going to have some trouble reconciling things in your mind.

I’ve figured out what caused my breakdown and that was a huge step for me. It was a very important step. It made my recovery easier. I was so glad when the penny finally dropped.

It’s not over for me yet it seems. I have apparently been left suffering with something related and that’s depression. I think I can safely say that I’m suffering from depression. If I go and read a list of depression symptoms I pretty much tick all the boxes.

I regard myself fortunate that I know enough to realize that it is depression and that it’s not me. It’s my dark passenger, the black dog that shadows my every step, the little black cloud hovering over me every step I take.

It’s not me. It’s something I suffer from. It colors my work, my relationships and my outlook.

I’m currently on a very low dose of mirtazapine. I was put on mirtazapine so I could sleep and I decided to cut down a few months ago because it didn’t help me sleep anymore and I was experiencing severe bouts of sadness.

I know it will pass but I don’t how it will pass. I know I’m blessed because I have so much going for me. I’m afraid and I’m very sad most of the time. I know this is not me. I know that’s the depression.

I will not, if I can help it, get on other medication to help with the depression. My aim is to get through this and find the root cause. I believe there is a root cause. I believe my depression is a symptom of perhaps something I haven’t dealt with. I have a very strong sense that there’s something I have to break free from, something from the past.

If you have suffered from depression I would love your input. I would love to hear from you, leave comments, because I know more and more people who are feeling depressed and who are getting that diagnose. I’m interested in hearing who people cope with it and what they do to find their way out of the darkness again.

5 comments:

  1. I believe EVERYONE suffers from depression at some stage in their life - young & old.

    Some cope, some don't, some require medication, others communication, there's no cure and it's as personal & different for everyone as the black dog is sometimes a cloud, a hole or a rock & a hard place.

    I find being gracious & kind to myself has a flow on effect.

    Acknowledging there's going to be good days & bad days helps me recognise them and accept I'm not always in total control.

    Sometimes it's nice to take a step outside myself and look in.

    I've never been officially diagnosed with Depression so that's just my take on moving through day by day.

    Todays a good day:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. once again that could have been me writing, it as hard to read...

    I suffered from post-natal depression when my son almost died in my womb, that manifested itself in severe anxiety and sleeplessness, I took mo meds, I 'got over it' slowly

    Then, several years ago, I was bullied by my manager and a junior collegue intent on removing me from my job. I worked myself into a burnout and breakdown with the accompanying psychotic episodes and panic attacks.

    And then the depression hit me hard and I fled to France, I gave up everything and moved to another country.

    Three years ago I came back to work again. For the first two years it was hell. Last year it got a little better, the light came back into my life, the grey fog lifted.

    Severe stress pushes me back into depression, an organised, well-managed life with plenty of rest and calm, eases the anxiety. But I will always be vulnerable now

    One day I'll write about the bullying, I kept a journal, notes and records of it all. One day I will make it public as a warning to other people and so that the bosses at The Beast will know just how much damage they permitted that manager to inflict and how close they came to a massive lawsuit. One day, for now I am content to be at peace.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh dear - yet again I felt that you were writing my life!
    I hit the wall at speed 5 weeks ago. Came to a full stop.
    It was a Tuesday morning and I had cried all night and just couldn't get out of bed.
    I was fantasising about how much easier it would be if I just died.
    I phoned my GP and she said it was a classic case of "burnout". She knew lots of burnt out lawyers...
    I had been working flat out - all the hours - in a demanding professional job for 4 years. I had ignored my 5 kids. My husband was beginning to want a divorce. My life was a joyless tunnel.
    I am now on citalopram - and beginning to feel human and hopeful for the first time in what feels like years.
    I understand what led to the breakdown. I understand that I empathise to the point of madness. That I cannot say "no". That I have "excessive saviour syndrome" (made-up but it perhaps explains my desire to save the world!!). That I want everyone to believe I am a good person (which is simply bizarre cos I really am not bad!!).
    I had avoided the anti-depressants - for fear I became a happy-clappy counterfeit "me". But I had reached rock bottom. I had no choice. And now I discover that they simply lift the darkness, the fog, the black dog of depression. And reveal me.
    I have been dogged by low self-esteem - a feeling that I wasn't quite "good enough" since I was a nervous child. I have had occasional bouts of depression - which I have simply weathered and got through. But I was genuinely tired of it all this time round and decided I could no longer live like this - depressed and withdrawn (especially when I recall enthusiasm and happiness and fun).
    It is the stigma of mental health problems that really gets to me. I am ashamed to tell anyone - and ashamed to say I have not gone to the chemist to get my own citalopram (my poor Dad has done it for me!).
    Mouse - your experience is my own - that is when the first bout started - following the most dreadful bullying with a previous employer. It destroyed me at the time - and I ran away. Giving up work and hiding away at home.
    I am determined to see a counsellor this time. I do not want to go on like this forever.
    Blogging has opened my eyes to how common depression is - and how toxic workplaces are very often the trigger.
    Your blog is excellent...

    ReplyDelete
  4. La Majeur Libre, do not be ashamed to admit to depression. It is a work-place war wound that we bear. We all have so much in common and we all understand. And we are all very brave to have reached the bottom and survived the fall.

    ReplyDelete

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