No, the topic is in no way related to the topic of this post. No really. I mean it.
Some of you were here with me when I lost my mind and my grip on reality, and I began to relate to my manager at work with the same fondness one would a T-Rex. No really, that is how I felt. She was a T-Rex, I was going to die and she was the one who was going to kill me. I didn’t literally believe all that but that’s how I felt.
I realized, even at the height of the breakdown (or should that be the lowest point?), that I was going through something that distorted my reality profoundly. It took me longer to figure out why my mind had a meltdown and the cause of it.
I think most breakdowns occur when you’re faced with something that conflicts with your own beliefs to the point that you can’t match facts with those beliefs. If you believe something strongly and you suddenly have irrefutable proof in front of you of something contradictory then you’re going to have some trouble reconciling things in your mind.
I’ve figured out what caused my breakdown and that was a huge step for me. It was a very important step. It made my recovery easier. I was so glad when the penny finally dropped.
It’s not over for me yet it seems. I have apparently been left suffering with something related and that’s depression. I think I can safely say that I’m suffering from depression. If I go and read a list of depression symptoms I pretty much tick all the boxes.
I regard myself fortunate that I know enough to realize that it is depression and that it’s not me. It’s my dark passenger, the black dog that shadows my every step, the little black cloud hovering over me every step I take.
It’s not me. It’s something I suffer from. It colors my work, my relationships and my outlook.
I’m currently on a very low dose of mirtazapine. I was put on mirtazapine so I could sleep and I decided to cut down a few months ago because it didn’t help me sleep anymore and I was experiencing severe bouts of sadness.
I know it will pass but I don’t how it will pass. I know I’m blessed because I have so much going for me. I’m afraid and I’m very sad most of the time. I know this is not me. I know that’s the depression.
I will not, if I can help it, get on other medication to help with the depression. My aim is to get through this and find the root cause. I believe there is a root cause. I believe my depression is a symptom of perhaps something I haven’t dealt with. I have a very strong sense that there’s something I have to break free from, something from the past.
If you have suffered from depression I would love your input. I would love to hear from you, leave comments, because I know more and more people who are feeling depressed and who are getting that diagnose. I’m interested in hearing who people cope with it and what they do to find their way out of the darkness again.
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