Friday, October 21, 2011

Streamlining processes

Does anyone here love corporate jargon much as I do? In case you missed it I did type that there with a heavy dose of sarcasm. Sarcasm can be a little problematic in print, can’t it? It’s really at its best when there’s sound involved, isn’t it?

I’m all for improvement and stoping time waste (although I’m not all that certain how you can waste something that linear and infinite and that ticks along at the same pace not matter what you do) but once you’ve been through your processes and streamlined them you really don’t need to do it every time you get a new manager i.e. every six months.

It’s very fashionable changing managers nowadays which is probably the main reason streamlining processes has got as much traction as it does in the corporate realm. Every new manager has to be seen to be doing something, right? Most of them have no clue what it is the plebs they’ve been put in charge of do so hitting up the processes seems logical, doesn’t it? Sure it does.

For the average worker though it gets a little obnoxious. Once you’ve gone through process streamlining that means that you can produce documentation 1600% faster you’ve kind of taken a giant step forward no matter how inefficient you were to begin with. It’s hard to muster enthusiasm again.

I’m not quite sure where we got this need to be so god damned efficient but we just need to try to make everything faster and and cheaper (not necessarily better) especially if it has to do with someone else’s job.

Mother Nature doesn’t do any of that streamlining crap. There are over a million species of animals. There are 1000 different types of bats alone, that we know of! Some may still be hiding from us holding out for discovery. How many types of bats do you need? Apparently that many!

If we streamlined bats there would be three types maximum: small, medium and large. Maybe you could even get rid of the medium size. Really. Two types of bats should be enough. You’d save a bundle on production cost, you only need two part numbers and imagine all the money you would save on documentation plus it would be much easier for people to choose their favourite bat because everyone knows that too many choices is just too damned confusing and that there’s not a single person who gets happier when they have too many choices.

Streamlining, that’s where bats should be at.

I’m just saying.


  1. I detest it manglers, er managers, especially the new managers who have tried every other technical position in the company and end up managing because they failed at them. In my experience they come in, they shuffle the group, make dumb mistakes that cost people a great deal and then they depart, leaving a mess behind. Bitter? Too damn right!

  2. Oh yes, the transient manager. They're like an unwanted guest who turns up, eats all your food and messes up all your house leaving you to clean up after them. Arrrrch!

  3. Ha ha. I know this feeling oh so well. Thanks for the giggle at the idea of streamlining bats! :D


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