**Warning! The following contains personal admissions.**
I envy people who are religious, not the religious nut kind but people who have faith that there's something bigger and better out there looking out for them. I especially envy people who have faith so deep that they're certain that there's something better waiting for them "on the other side".
I'm not of the religious kind. I'm the scientific kind. I could never embrace creationism because to me there are too many things that prove that it's just baloney. I just can't find proof that God exists.
I just can't find proof that God doesn't exist.
I have come so far. Just this year and the breakdown I had brought about so much good change for me. To have come from where I was when I left my first husband and then to go through a second abusive relationship, I know now that I'm strong or else I would never have survived that. It was only a few months ago that I allowed myself to think of myself as a survivor.
I have no faith though. I'm still afraid of....things. I'm still anxious. I wish I could surrender and just allow myself to be. I need faith to do that.
I sat there today and watched Dexter, of all things, when I realized that having faith is not about being "saved" or "finding God". It's about creating another belief in your mind, one that will serve you and carry you forward, one that will ease the burden a bit. Some people call the rituals they use to bring that about religion and some practice a certain set of rituals or a particular religion.
I can't do that. I'm not religious.
You see to me God may as well be called Steve and be a tiny rabbit just as long as Steve will be there in some capacity so I can talk to him. Or her, I mean in all fairness Steve may be a girl. Never mind, what I'm trying to say is that I need to allow my mind to create a deity of sorts it's comfortable with and that I can believe in so that I can foster a relationship with that deity.
I need faith y'all and I don't want it to come in a prepackaged format. I think faith is far more personal than that.
I'm just saying.
That I can 't be told. I mean you can't tell me to do anything without giving me a bloody good reason and it just seems to me that no religion really does that. No offense. I'm just saying.
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