I've said it before, life has a habit of swinging around to give you a kick in the back of your head if you don't pay attention. Life also has a habit of making you grow up even if you're resisted it for a long time.
I'm kind of tired of people. I've had enough of them. In fact I've developed a severe case of misanthropy in the last few days and not even the people I usually care about are escaping being bunched up with the rest.
Except for my daughter Bee, she's a genuine exception.
And some people I track on the internet that I don't even really know.
Others though who I trusted to care for me have turned out to be some sort of strange creatures that I just don't understand. More importantly, I don't understand why they would think I would want to stay in their lives.
When you offer something that is of little value to someone they may accept it for a while but then eventually they get tired of it or confused.
I'm confused. Personally I'm confused.
Have you ever tried to save a drowning man? Have you ever given anyone CPR desperately hoping that they will again join with their life force and miraculously animate again? The odds aren't good when you give someone CPR but we learn to do it because it's worth a shot. I've never given anyone CPR nor have I saved a drowning man. I have, however, tried to save plenty of failing relationships. I have cried rivers in the vain hope that it would somehow save it.
Same difference. The odds are the same. They're not that good. Miracles seldom happen, at least not in my life, and yet there I am breathing into it and pushing at its chest like my own life depended on it. I just don't know when to give up. I wish someone else would take over because I'm really tired.
Today I thought a lot. Today I thought more constructive thoughts. Today I made some decisions. I don't know if I can follow through on the decisions but I do know that the thoughts represent my truth, you know the one that lives inside of me and that is the essence of me.
I wish my lover read this blog but he doesn't. He just not that curious about me.
I realized today that the reason for why I have felt so hurt of late is that I feel like he's not trying hard enough. He's turning away and I jump into action and try to do CPR. I've been doing CPR for a while now and I'm tired, so very tired. I just want someone else to take over and I really want someone to breath life into me. I'm sinking but not the dying kind of sinking, just the one where you lose hope and give up on things and people you don't really want to give up on.
I wanted so much and yet I hope so little. I didn't dare to hope too much because it was like the outcome was inevitable. The inevitable outcome is here it seems and now I don't dare to hope that things will change at all. I have to stop giving CPR and I have to let go. I have to stop trying to save it.
The thoughts I had today had a lot to do with why we arrived here and how. That's not as important though as what's next and I think I know what's next and it's not what I wanted. It's not what I hoped when I had hope. But it's here all the same and it's not going to go away and it's not going to change. Its magnitude is equal to having an elephant suddenly turning up at your front doorstep, brushing past you and then taking up residence on your couch hogging the remote. It refuses to change channel and my only option is to walk away.
I left my house today because I couldn't breathe in there anymore. I jumped on my bike and flew down bike paths and very nearly got locked in the park because it was sundown by the time I finished. I thought as flew through the cool rainy air and I left a huge part of me behind on that trail. Not the part I wanted to leave but something. Maybe it's what needed to be left. I don't know. I wish I did but I don't.
What will tomorrow bring? I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore except for this: I am going through a transition. I'm not sure I'm enjoying it.
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