Thursday, September 8, 2011

I still don't feel any better

I really don't. I wish I did. I feel like everything I hope for has been shat on but the problem is that I know I hoped for too much. I saw what I wanted to see. I ignored a lot of the signs that I perhaps should have heeded. I should have allowed the cynicism I fought so hard to actually permeate so I could look at the situation from all angles. I allowed myself to settle down in the vain hope that I would actually have what I wanted this time. I've waited so long. I've lost hope before and this time I actually thought that there was a chance.

I don't believe in love anymore. I don't expect to be swept off my feet. I don't think I even expect fidelity anymore. Honesty though, that's another kettle of fish and once you've found that someone you trusted has lied and hidden things from you it's hard to believe that it will ever be different, that you can trust that person again. That's where I'm at and I'm there because this time it was based on friendship. I was told that friendship is a much higher state than love. Yet here I am, being treated like a lover you lie and cheat. I'm not even confused about it, you know.

I'm being told it's my own fault. I knit pick apparently. I thought, foolishly that I was communicating and letting him know when something was wrong. I'm probably wrong when I say this: I see the end is nigh and it hurts but being treated like I have and knowing that it will more than likely not end here if I allow this "friendship" to continue puts fear in me. All I wanted, and want, is a soft place to feel and someone I could feel safe with.

I'm naked now. Now you do know the nature of my dilemma but what I haven't told you yet is that I feel utterly pathetic. It's clear that I need to let go in order to stop the pain but I just can't. Every time I try I remember that feeling of being special and it's so very seductive. I want it back. I know I can't have it but I do.

So if you, my dear reader have encouraging words that you've been waiting to share now is the time. My heart is breaking but I fear there's very little to break anymore. I fear that now it's really the last time I allow anyone to get close to me.

5 comments:

  1. I have thought about your words for a few days and how I would reply.

    I'm not wise enough to offer advice except to say that 'this too shall pass' and that one day you will feel better.
    #
    A heart doesn't break, it may become tattered and torn and it may feel as if it is turning to stone but it has a wonderful ability to recover and to keep on beating.

    The trick is, in my experience, to remember the good times with a smile and gratitude and to let
    go of the bad.

    That makes your heart stronger so that when the next love comes along, as it surely will, you will be ready to embrace it

    I hope that helps

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have also thought about this for a few days. As much as I don't want to air my dirty laundry or make this a place where I lay out my most depressive thoughts for all to see, sometimes when one writes something and let it sit it allows for a sort of distance from it to develop.

    I don't fear the pain but I fear that this is all there is. I know why it hurts. The feeling of never being enough has a history that is almost as long as my life. I want that history to change. I want it to change now. I'm chasing butterflies because they're beautiful and as much as I don't want to cage them I want the solace of their beauty. I want to lie down for once and feel like the search is over, like I don't have to wait anymore. If I can't have that I want the longing to end.

    The longing is not ending, it's becoming stronger. It grows and grows and grows until it almost becomes a physical pain that I don't know what to do with.

    But dear Mouse, your words help. I need the wisdom of them because I know you're right. If where I am is a swamp I will eventually find my way out and stand on dry land again. Perhaps it is though that I don't like the sacrifices I have to make in order to get there.

    As for the good times, I remember them all to clearly, they're part of the pain too. They're very much part of what paralyzes me. Compromising doesn't seem to work, I seem unwilling to do it to keep the things I really like about what I have. It's not that I'm stubborn or greedy. I just don't understand.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Please don't feel that you can't make this blog a place for depressing thoughts... we will listen to the good and the bad both. If sometimes I don't comment, it's simply that I don't have any wise words to offer. Mouse, I ain't :(

    ReplyDelete
  4. one more thought...
    when a relationship ends there can be an urge to use words to wound. I experienced this regularly with The Someone who was, I realised later, verbally abusive in the extreme.

    It is good to hold high a shield of self-love to defend yourself. If you bear in mind that, while you may be the target of these arrows of anger they come from a heart that is bitter and in pain and that they are not really meant for you.

    Better to deflect them with a smile of understanding and then let them lie on the ground between you than to carry them with you in your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Merry, I know you're there and that just like I keep track of you and don't always comment I think you do the same with me.

    Mouse, you speak wisely and I know you're right but I'm too am tempted to lash out and the pain speak.

    Maybe this is why I tell it here because I know someone is listening and while it may not be the soft place I pictured landing in it certainly is not hard to fall on!

    ReplyDelete

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