I really don't. I wish I did. I feel like everything I hope for has been shat on but the problem is that I know I hoped for too much. I saw what I wanted to see. I ignored a lot of the signs that I perhaps should have heeded. I should have allowed the cynicism I fought so hard to actually permeate so I could look at the situation from all angles. I allowed myself to settle down in the vain hope that I would actually have what I wanted this time. I've waited so long. I've lost hope before and this time I actually thought that there was a chance.
I don't believe in love anymore. I don't expect to be swept off my feet. I don't think I even expect fidelity anymore. Honesty though, that's another kettle of fish and once you've found that someone you trusted has lied and hidden things from you it's hard to believe that it will ever be different, that you can trust that person again. That's where I'm at and I'm there because this time it was based on friendship. I was told that friendship is a much higher state than love. Yet here I am, being treated like a lover you lie and cheat. I'm not even confused about it, you know.
I'm being told it's my own fault. I knit pick apparently. I thought, foolishly that I was communicating and letting him know when something was wrong. I'm probably wrong when I say this: I see the end is nigh and it hurts but being treated like I have and knowing that it will more than likely not end here if I allow this "friendship" to continue puts fear in me. All I wanted, and want, is a soft place to feel and someone I could feel safe with.
I'm naked now. Now you do know the nature of my dilemma but what I haven't told you yet is that I feel utterly pathetic. It's clear that I need to let go in order to stop the pain but I just can't. Every time I try I remember that feeling of being special and it's so very seductive. I want it back. I know I can't have it but I do.
So if you, my dear reader have encouraging words that you've been waiting to share now is the time. My heart is breaking but I fear there's very little to break anymore. I fear that now it's really the last time I allow anyone to get close to me.
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