I’ve shared some of my struggles of late. I’ve hinted at what it’s about and I don’t think that if you’ve read my posts that you’re in any doubt that I’ve been talking about man problems.
The problem is far from clear cut. I like a challenge so that’s not the problem. I usually excel at collecting enough information to find a solution any problematic situation that works for all. I like win-win situations. They give me great joy. This one though has been so complex that there really is no clear way forward apart from the fact that I’m crystal clear when it comes to what I want and need.
Conflicting evidence is what they would call it in court. That’s what I have in regards to the situation. It’s probably not as easy as lies but it feels like lies and it smells like lies, and when it does you tend to think of it as lies. Perhaps that’s a trap in its own way. Or perhaps there’s no truth to be found here at all. Perhaps there really is only confusion.
The good news for me at least is that the crossroad I was stuck at is no longer a crossroad. The problem related to it is still there but I have, through beating my head against the wall several times over (gives you a headache but it’s a great way of beating sense into yourself), started to have a real good think about what is happening around me. I’ve come to realize that it’s not about choosing a course of action. It’s about eliminating some people, or the things that they do, and including more of other people.
You know how you sometimes sit down and take stock of what you want in life and then decide to plot a course? That kind of stuff is useful. It’s really useful. I think you should do that at least once a year if not with regular monotony like weekly. It’s good to check in with yourself and see how you’re doing. I’ve not done well in a fair while if I was to be perfectly honest.
For me this time it’s not about what I want. I know what I want and, more importantly right now, I know what I don’t want. That part is crystal clear to me.
The challenge I face right now is of a different nature and it’s largely unfamiliar territory for me but it is progression. I have become a lot more emotionally mature. I have come to realize above all that I’m not a freak, that I’m completely normal. The feelings and emotions I have are no different from what others experience. How I react is perfectly normal. The responses I have to things are perfectly normal.
I have perhaps a little better self-knowledge than some. The real catalyst for that was the breakdown. I have begun to truly recognize that what doesn’t serve me has to be removed or destroyed, and once it has it will make way for something better as long as I allow it to happen, as long as I don’t stand in its way.
My challenge right now lies in having faith in the Universe to bring me what I need and want. I have collected enough examples of that happening to see that it can happen. The challenge is having faith in it happening one more time. In order for things to turn out for the better I have to step out of my own way and stop blocking progress. I have to trust in a miracle occurring. It’s hard to do that. It’s hard to trust and handover your life to some force that you claim not to believe in.
I’m not religious. I can’t say I hand this over to God. I guess I could say I hand this over to Goddess because I’m a little more comfortable with that term. I tend to call it the Universe because I have no real way of defining it, that force I feel is present that is so much bigger than me and that connects me through my subconscious to others, and that I sometimes lose connection with which leaves me feeling alone and without love.
You see, for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I’m doing it alone. For the first time in my life I feel like there’s something, or someone, looking over my shoulder gently prodding me in the right direction. It’s something much bigger than me, or something that I have at least not recognized as part of myself until now. Maybe it’s been there all along but I was deaf to it because I couldn’t trust me or that there was such a thing.
There’s no coincidence I think that there are so many people now appearing in my life who are suddenly there for me in small but very important ways. It’s like I’ve discovered the concept of women as caring friendly creatures. I feel strengthened by it. I feel supported by it. I feel suddenly like I’m not at all alone in this world. I think this is what they call faith. My faith doesn’t come from believing in God, it doesn’t come from knowing Jesus or any other deity for that matter. It comes from suddenly realizing that there are good humans everywhere. They are gentle, kind, supportive, beautiful women. They’re my goddesses and they’re very much flesh and blood.
There are times when you shouldn’t stay. When it’s best to say goodbye and with this post I’ve done the full circle in my mind it seems. I no longer belong to him or anyone else. I’m once more free. I’m once more unattached, (unhinged,) without love in my life and I am once more wondering if I will ever find a man that can be friend and lover. I need both. I can’t settle for just the friend. It’s not in my nature. I deserve to have it all.
There will no doubt be many posts in the next few days, probably several per day. Ii need to talk my way through this. You’re welcome to take this journey with me. I value your comments. I value your presence. I invite you into my healing journey as I enter stage two of the breakdown. The first stage was about recovering from the breakdown caused by work; this stage is about the relationship I hoped would be the one I could feel comfortable in for a long time coming to an end. If it doesn’t come to an end I would be very, very surprised.
If I had known when I was 20 years old that a lot of the things I thought I would absolutely have in my life by now wasn’t going to be there I wonder if I would have plotted a different course. Will I plot a different course now? Will I finally allow my dreams to grow and become reality or will I forever compromise and settle because I can’t see that there’s so much more to this than I’ve allowed myself to see? Is this really all there is? I don’t think so, but how do you get to the rest of it? How do you get to a place where you can relax, stop worry and feel enormously content? How do you find love, the kind of love that lasts forever and that's not scary, problematic and filled with conflict?
If you have the answers to any of those questions please share. We could make a fortune you and I if we found a way to sell those answers!
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