Friday, September 30, 2011

Big City Love




Along the big city walls
I walked for a while
looking for that face
I always recognize
hello hello
it's been a while
ages ago
but your voice still feels

this it what they call
big city love
just play it by heart
'cause I believe in true love
this is what they call big city love
play it by heart
though it's a sad sad call

this is what they call,
big city love
'cause I believe in true love

there's no where to fall
along the city walls
along the city walls

And all the letters that you wrote
I want them all gone
I send them back to you
with a red heart on them
and in my memories I'll try
erasing you for good
and all the hopes I had
projected on you

was looking for
was looking for
a place to hide away, to hide away
instead I lost, instead I lost the
heart I gave away,
oh we sang those songs
sang those songs
you comfort me you comfort me
and now and now
let's call it destiny

This is what they call
big city love
play it by heart
cause I believe in true love
this is what they call
big city love
play it by heart
though its a sad sad call
This is what they call
big city love
play it by heart
because I believe in true love

There's no where to fall
along the city walls.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The art of spicing up a blog

There comes a time when you start to wonder if your blog is just same old same old all the time. Maybe your readers are getting tired of it, provided you have readers who return so they can actually get tired of your blog, and maybe you need to step it up a bit.

It's not easy though, right? Most of us end up here in the blogosphere without a real plan. We just kind of want to write and have someone read it. Maybe.

There are a few tips and tricks to increase traffic like get guest bloggers, have competitions, ask your readers questions so they feel involved and want to comment, you know the usual stuff. The problem with that stuff is that it requires a bit of work from you.

So for the lazy bloggers, like myself, who still feel a sort of commitment to their small tribe of followers and regular visitors and who want to really wow any new visitors who stumble across their blog, I have come up with the perfect solution.

Odds are that you're already on some kind of medication, I mean who isn't nowadays, and odds are that the medication affects your mood in some way. The best way to spice up your blog and to inject a little variety into it is to mess with your medication. I know! It's brilliant and it requires very little effort from you!

All you need to is to "forget" to take your medication or somehow mix up the dosage and voila a new you is sure to emerge. Then you set about writing some posts, you can write several and save them for later when you want to "guest blog" again without causing yourself undue stress or harm.

No need to thank me. I'm more than happy to share this kind of solid advice any time because you, my dear readers, are my friends. Unlike those other bastards I hang around with. I don't think they're my friends, do you?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The art of losing interest

Losing interest.

Sometimes it takes work and sometimes it's not as natural as it should be, you have to put some work in it. Sometimes you really have to sit down and look at the pros and cons and make sure that the cons outnumber the pros. Just to save your own sanity.

It beats destroying something. Losing interest has got to be less destructive.

Monday, September 26, 2011

'Cause it's all about me me ME!

It's a pretty steep learning curve I'm on and I'm learning more and more that I don't want to learn. Around every damned corner is another one. Around every damned corner do I find another neat and tidy little gift left for me by that special someone.

I'm still in the disbelief phase. I'm still trying to hope that all is not what it seems but it seldom turns out that way. Most of the time when I think I see something it's really there.

So why do I persist? Why do I not just tell him to get stuffed and get out of my life. Because I don't want to believe folks, I don't want to believe.

Now when will I be done torturing myself.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

My life is about to change maybe forever

I've said it before, life has a habit of swinging around to give you a kick in the back of your head if you don't pay attention. Life also has a habit of making you grow up even if you're resisted it for a long time.

I'm kind of tired of people. I've had enough of them. In fact I've developed a severe case of misanthropy in the last few days and not even the people I usually care about are escaping being bunched up with the rest.

Except for my daughter Bee, she's a genuine exception.

And some people I track on the internet that I don't even really know.

Others though who I trusted to care for me have turned out to be some sort of strange creatures that I just don't understand. More importantly, I don't understand why they would think I would want to stay in their lives.

When you offer something that is of little value to someone they may accept it for a while but then eventually they get tired of it or confused.

I'm confused. Personally I'm confused.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning man? Have you ever given anyone CPR desperately hoping that they will again join with their life force and miraculously animate again? The odds aren't good when you give someone CPR but we learn to do it because it's worth a shot. I've never given anyone CPR nor have I saved a drowning man. I have, however, tried to save plenty of failing relationships. I have cried rivers in the vain hope that it would somehow save it.

Same difference. The odds are the same. They're not that good. Miracles seldom happen, at least not in my life, and yet there I am breathing into it and pushing at its chest like my own life depended on it. I just don't know when to give up. I wish someone else would take over because I'm really tired.

Today I thought a lot. Today I thought more constructive thoughts. Today I made some decisions. I don't know if I can follow through on the decisions but I do know that the thoughts represent my truth, you know the one that lives inside of me and that is the essence of me.

I wish my lover read this blog but he doesn't. He just not that curious about me.

I realized today that the reason for why I have felt so hurt of late is that I feel like he's not trying hard enough. He's turning away and I jump into action and try to do CPR. I've been doing CPR for a while now and I'm tired, so very tired. I just want someone else to take over and I really want someone to breath life into me. I'm sinking but not the dying kind of sinking, just the one where you lose hope and give up on things and people you don't really want to give up on.

I wanted so much and yet I hope so little. I didn't dare to hope too much because it was like the outcome was inevitable. The inevitable outcome is here it seems and now I don't dare to hope that things will change at all. I have to stop giving CPR and I have to let go. I have to stop trying to save it.

The thoughts I had today had a lot to do with why we arrived here and how. That's not as important though as what's next and I think I know what's next and it's not what I wanted. It's not what I hoped when I had hope. But it's here all the same and it's not going to go away and it's not going to change. Its magnitude is equal to having an elephant suddenly turning up at your front doorstep, brushing past you and then taking up residence on your couch hogging the remote. It refuses to change channel and my only option is to walk away.

I left my house today because I couldn't breathe in there anymore. I jumped on my bike and flew down bike paths and very nearly got locked in the park because it was sundown by the time I finished. I thought as flew through the cool rainy air and I left a huge part of me behind on that trail. Not the part I wanted to leave but something. Maybe it's what needed to be left. I don't know. I wish I did but I don't.

What will tomorrow bring? I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore except for this: I am going through a transition. I'm not sure I'm enjoying it.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Why don’t we have more women in top positions?

When I finished my engineering diploma I was fully convinced that I was going out into an even playing field and that I as a woman would have the same opportunities as the young men I graduated with. I can’t say whether it turned out like that for the other three you women who also graduated in mechanical engineering with me among 60 young men but for me it didn’t.

I moved to Australia after graduating in 1989 and I was immediately faced with the challenge of finding a job in unfamiliar territory. I managed to get a job as a mechanical draftsman. The job lasted for three months, it was a contract position, and it was the last job I had directly related to my chosen field. It wasn’t until my last job as a draftsman that I was asked why I had abandoned mechanical engineering for a career as an electrical draftsman.

It wasn’t my choice. In Australia in the late 80s and early 90s there were hardly any women working as mechanical engineers or draftsmen. In my 11 years of working as a draftsman I came across one. One! I made a good living out of being an electrical draftsman and I was really good at it, and it served me well when I eventually applied for a job as a technical writer a job I had wanted to do since my early teens, but that’s not the point. I couldn’t get a job easily working in my chosen field.

I don’t think a lot has changed since I graduated. It’s scary but I don’t think it has. In the department I’m in now, there are 40 engineers, technicians and graduates. Two are women and they’re both electrical engineers. When my team moved back into this section we doubled the number of women in the department to four. It’s scary.

One of the female electrical engineers recently commented on her Facebook page that the project she was doing at the time was the first one where she had felt like she was allowed to work as an engineer and not some sort of assistant. I know the guy she worked with. He’s of Eastern European extraction and over there they seem to have a lot more women in technical fields than we have. Maybe for him it’s more natural to let her do her job, I don’t know.

In the company I work in there is also a lack of women in power positions. The ones that make it to the top seem to have everyone gunning for them. Women don’t really stick up for women surprisingly enough. Women appear to wait to be told what to think and what to do rather than going out there being all pushy even when they know they’re right. Women don’t function like men do. They don’t have the same sense of entitlement and they’re a lot less quick when it comes to selling themselves and promoting their achievements.

The question for me is really whether women should learn to become more like men in the workplace or it’s time to change the workplace to better suit women. It seems to me that we push women into being something that we’re not naturally and by doing that we don’t necessarily help women stay in the workplace to plan careers. I think it’s high time that we change the way we look at women and start, as a society, to think of them as highly intelligent beings.

There’s no doubt in my mind when I see Michelle Obama on TV that she’s a capable women but she could be so much more. She is the first lady of America and she should be allowed to be more of a role model to women!

When it comes to Australia’s prime minister, the first woman prime minister of Australia, the papers spend more time talking about her clothes and her hair than anything else. When it was announced that she was the new prime minister my daughter came home from school and announced with great excitement that finally we have a female prime minister and then she asked me if I realized how significant that was. She was twelve years old at the time and for her it was a sign that women can be just as good at leading as men can. It’s shame the media can’t treat her appointment with as much excitement as my daughter did.

I don’t know what happened to the momentum we had at least in Northern Europe in the 80s that really made young girls believe they weren’t all that different from young boys in the brain department but I want to see more of that again. Women in the Western world have far more opportunities than their sisters in the Third world but surely we can do better than what we have now! Surely there should be no difference and surely women have as much to add to society as men do!

When you think about it it’s really backwards that it’s not already more equal.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

More Lose Weight by Changing My Mind

Yesterday I talked about reprogramming my mind so I can lose weight. I know there are doubters out there and they’re going to tell me that it’s not going to work. We’ll see. This is an experiment OK? My theory is that if it worked for me when I quit smoking the odds are pretty good that it will work with weight loss.

I also talked about the chocolate bar and how I don’t particularly like anything that’s listed as being the ingredients of the bar on their own and so it stands to reason that I don’t like the bar. Right? That’s what I want my mind to believe anyway. I want to stop wanting to eat chocolate bars (or anything else that’s bad for me and makes me put on weight).

What happens when I eat a chocolate bar because I haven’t been able to convince my mind that I don’t like eating chocolate bars yet? We know I’m failing to stop eating crap because I’m still overweight. I ate the chocolate bar and since this is an experiment I decide not to embark on the usual guilt trip. I’ve eaten it. There’s not much I can do about unless I go and throw up and I don’t like doing that so the chocolate bar stays in my tummy. I have to do something else. I want to turn this into an opportunity.

How good was it to eat that chocolate bar? Did it make me happier? Did it actually make me feel better? Did it fill me up? Did it live up to all the expectations I had? Do I feel satisfied after eating it? How much did the chocolate bar improve my state of mind or my life? Is the feeling that eating the chocolate bar gave me better than how I would feel if I could go and buy those skinny jeans I really want to get into? If I was healthier because I weighed less would that make me feel better than eating the chocolate bar did? If I could have the chocolate bar feeling right now or the getting into the skinny jeans feeling right now which one would I choose?

I think you get the idea, right?

By asking yourself questions like the ones above you’re starting to give your mind alternatives to think about. When we have more alternatives to choose from we tend to be less happy with a choice we’ve just made. We begin to wonder if we made the right choice. If we know we didn’t make the right choice then we can begin to wonder if making another choice would have made us feel happier in the long run.

You know how when you go to a restaurant and order a meal and when you get it you wonder if you should have ordered something else because it may have been better? If you were served the same meal, and you were just as hungry, and there was less to choose from then you wouldn’t worry so much about it.

Our minds are funny in that multiple choices actually cause us unhappiness so asking yourself questions that paint a picture of there being alternatives to how you feel after eating that chocolate changes things. You can make your mind unhappy about the choosing to eat the chocolate bar. The next time you eat a chocolate bar you remember and then you can again reinforce the message by doing the same thing again by asking more questions. Eventually you will start to feel a little hesitant before you eat a chocolate bar. If you keep at it you will begin to identify the chocolate bar as an inferior choice. Eventually you stop craving chocolate bars because you now believe they’re not a good choice at all.

Now you may think to yourself that there are a lot of things that you need to reprogram here because you like a lot of different foods. True. It’s not going to happen in a day. Remember though that these are beliefs you’re programming that are going to last you a life time unless you go about changing them again because you want to. It’s going to be worth it. If you’re a afraid of brain washing even if it’s you doing it yourself then you should probably stop watching TV it happens every time you turn the damned thing on and there you’re not the one deciding on what’s getting programmed in your mind. Take control. Decide on your own programming and do it to help yourself.

I’m doing it. I’m going to keep you posted on how I’m going with it.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Lose Weight by Changing My Mind - my weightloss journey begins today

I’m overweight. I’m no longer obese but I’m still overweight. I’m thinner and fitter than I was three years ago and that’s great. I’m now fat and fit. That’s, according to research, much better than being skinny and unfit. It’s not good enough being fat and fit but I’m half way there. Go me!

The journey to being half way there began almost three years ago when I looked at a photo of myself and realized that I looked like a frigging air balloon. The person I saw wasn’t me. I didn’t recognize myself in the photo as the person I really am. I did, however, recognize that it was the way I looked.

It was unhealthy. I felt old. Little things were going wrong with my body and there were pains that weren’t there before. I realized I felt far too old for my age. I realized I needed to change.

With two failed marriages behind me, two abusive marriages, I was in no state to tackle the weight problem head on. I knew I would fail if I did. I’m an emotional eater and I was still emotionally raw. I was going to eat no matter what.

I decided to break my journey into three steps. First I would get fit or at least fitter. Secondly I would emotionally fit or at least emotionally fitter. Thirdly I would lose weight.

Today, I believe I’m ready to start tackling the weight issue.

If you’ve read my blog before you know that I’m currently battling with an issue of a relationship that isn’t working. You may say that this is not the time to tackle the weight because this must be a very emotional time for me. It would seem like it’s completely insane of me to even think of starting my weight loss journey now and perhaps it is. My gut tells me though that it’s not. My gut tells me that this is somehow connected and now is the time to tackle this too.

We live in societies that provide for unlimited choices when it comes to food. We can’t escape food. It’s everywhere and we’re wired to want it when we see it. We’re programmed to want it when we see it through advertising. Much of our existence revolves around food and if you’re anything like me you spend a lot of time thinking about what to eat and when you’ll do it, or what not to eat and when not to do it. Then you eat it.

I’m fully convinced that what I’m now embarking on is not a weight loss journey as much as a brain washing exercise. I have to convince my mind that I don’t need as much food as I’m currently eating and that the pleasure I get from not eating crap foods far outweighs the limited pleasure I get from eating a chocolate bar not to mention the guilt trip that comes with eating it

I have to convince my mind that in order for my health to be good and perhaps even improve even as I get older the most important weapon I have is food, the right kind of food, and the most destructive thing I have working against me is food, the wrong kind of food. I don’t lack the knowledge needed to distinguish between the two. I already have all that data available right in my head including the exact calories in most of the foods I encounter every day. I’ve been obsessed with it from time to time.

When I quit smoking some 12 years ago I realized that I was never going to make it with will power. I always got to three weeks and then I found an excuse, usually related to feeling stressed, for lighting up and only have one, then two, then three…

I switched tactics, and this was before I knew anything about affirmations and self-hypnosis, and I started to list all the negative things to do with smoking I could think of every time I lit up. It smells bad. It costs too much. It makes me stink. I have to go outside to do it. On and on I went with listing the negatives until one day I felt repulsed when I lit one up. That’s when I stopped smoking. It wasn’t easy battling the cravings but what always stopped me from lighting up was the repulsion I felt, and that I still feel now. I’ve tried putting a cigarette between my lips and I just can’t bring myself to do it and I’ve lived with two smokers since I quit so there were cigarettes around.

Important lessons were learned from this “experiment”. I learned that habits and beliefs form a very important part of how we do things and why we do them. I learned that I can break habits and that I can form new beliefs if I want to. I also learned that it’s not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of effort. The good news is that the effort really pays off.

Your mind will resist anything that is trying to reprogram you. Your mind will find ways to put up a fight and to trip you up. The trick is to recognize them for what they are and begin to enjoy playing mind games with your own mind and you have to be prepared to wait for the result. Brainwashing yourself takes time. (This is why we have ad campaigns; one ad wouldn’t work as well.)

If you think you’re a fat person then you’re a fat person. If you think you can’t lose weight you’re not going to lose weight. If you tell yourself that you need to diet then go about restricting what you eat odds are that you’re going to fail at least in the long run. If you on the other hand treat it as an experiment in reorganizing your mind’s priorities you have a completely different game on your hands. You’re in control as long as you allow yourself the time to play the game.

My goal is to reprogram my brain to want the right kind of foods and to start abhorring foods that are bad for me. If I read a list of ingredients on a chocolate bar wrapper most of them sound pretty awful. I don’t like any of that. If that’s what makes up the chocolate bar the question is Do I really like chocolate bar? Based on what’s in them I don’t. Now I have something to work with. If I start drooling over the thought of some cookies and begin to think about all the fat around my tummy and how bad I look in a bikini I will eventually if I keep that up start to associate the cookies with my beached whale look. It’s going to take some time though to override the programming that tells me I get a cookie when I’m a good girl and I’m always a good girl, right?

I’m going to post sporadically about this reprogramming experiment. I will not diet. I want to make that very clear. I will change my mind and my attitude towards food. I will attempt to reprogram my mind to see food as fuel and to start to recognize when my tank is already full.

I will keep you posted on the techniques I’ll use, none of them are scientific, and what my discoveries are. I will keep you posted on my failures and my successes. We will do this together if you decide to keep reading. All the posts about this will be tagged Lose Weight by Changing My Mind. If I can do this then so can you and you can do it with anything you want to change in your life.

And you may wonder what this has to do with my current relationships issues. Do you? Well of course it’s all related because this is about taking control and becoming the pilot of the vessel that is me. If I can reprogram myself when it comes to food I can do it when it comes to what people I allow into my life and the kind of relationships I choose to have.

Hope you stick with me on this one! I would love your comments!

My relationship

A perfect relationship, if there’s such a thing, is one where you can overcome all the little things that could ruin it.

In my case it’s been a matter of me sitting down and asking myself if what I’m being presented with is something I’m willing to settle for and it’s simply not.

If these things don’t become things we work on then it’s forever going to mean that I’ll be unhappy in the relationship. That’s where I’m at.

I feel fairly removed from the emotional part of the breakup at this stage if you know what I mean.

I’ve been able to sit down and look at what I am, what I want and need, and how much I can compromise and still be content and happy. Let’s just say that it’s too much that I have to give up to keep this going and I know, in my heart, that I can’t do that forever. I can’t shut down a part of me that’s really vital.
I’m a loving person and I need to express that. I need to do that. I need to be touched and caressed. I need to be loved. I need to be appreciated. I need more than I’m currently getting and unless the other person in this relationship does something that will allow me to have that I’ll not be happy in this relationship.
It’s not a matter of being greedy or difficult. It’s to do with a basic human need that’s not being fulfilled, and that need is at the heart of being in a relationship anyway. I cannot forgo that part. I cannot be in a relationship without it.

If we are not working on addressing these issues I’ll have to leave not because I’m being difficult but because I’m not getting my basic needs fulfilled. I'll never be happy in the relationship. That's all there is to that.

God, Goddess, the Universe, I and the rest - about me and having faith

I’ve shared some of my struggles of late. I’ve hinted at what it’s about and I don’t think that if you’ve read my posts that you’re in any doubt that I’ve been talking about man problems.

The problem is far from clear cut. I like a challenge so that’s not the problem. I usually excel at collecting enough information to find a solution any problematic situation that works for all. I like win-win situations. They give me great joy. This one though has been so complex that there really is no clear way forward apart from the fact that I’m crystal clear when it comes to what I want and need.

Conflicting evidence is what they would call it in court. That’s what I have in regards to the situation. It’s probably not as easy as lies but it feels like lies and it smells like lies, and when it does you tend to think of it as lies. Perhaps that’s a trap in its own way. Or perhaps there’s no truth to be found here at all. Perhaps there really is only confusion.

The good news for me at least is that the crossroad I was stuck at is no longer a crossroad. The problem related to it is still there but I have, through beating my head against the wall several times over (gives you a headache but it’s a great way of beating sense into yourself), started to have a real good think about what is happening around me. I’ve come to realize that it’s not about choosing a course of action. It’s about eliminating some people, or the things that they do, and including more of other people.

You know how you sometimes sit down and take stock of what you want in life and then decide to plot a course? That kind of stuff is useful. It’s really useful. I think you should do that at least once a year if not with regular monotony like weekly. It’s good to check in with yourself and see how you’re doing. I’ve not done well in a fair while if I was to be perfectly honest.

For me this time it’s not about what I want. I know what I want and, more importantly right now, I know what I don’t want. That part is crystal clear to me.

The challenge I face right now is of a different nature and it’s largely unfamiliar territory for me but it is progression. I have become a lot more emotionally mature. I have come to realize above all that I’m not a freak, that I’m completely normal. The feelings and emotions I have are no different from what others experience. How I react is perfectly normal. The responses I have to things are perfectly normal.

I have perhaps a little better self-knowledge than some. The real catalyst for that was the breakdown. I have begun to truly recognize that what doesn’t serve me has to be removed or destroyed, and once it has it will make way for something better as long as I allow it to happen, as long as I don’t stand in its way.

My challenge right now lies in having faith in the Universe to bring me what I need and want. I have collected enough examples of that happening to see that it can happen. The challenge is having faith in it happening one more time. In order for things to turn out for the better I have to step out of my own way and stop blocking progress. I have to trust in a miracle occurring. It’s hard to do that. It’s hard to trust and handover your life to some force that you claim not to believe in.

I’m not religious. I can’t say I hand this over to God. I guess I could say I hand this over to Goddess because I’m a little more comfortable with that term. I tend to call it the Universe because I have no real way of defining it, that force I feel is present that is so much bigger than me and that connects me through my subconscious to others, and that I sometimes lose connection with which leaves me feeling alone and without love.

You see, for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I’m doing it alone. For the first time in my life I feel like there’s something, or someone, looking over my shoulder gently prodding me in the right direction. It’s something much bigger than me, or something that I have at least not recognized as part of myself until now. Maybe it’s been there all along but I was deaf to it because I couldn’t trust me or that there was such a thing.

There’s no coincidence I think that there are so many people now appearing in my life who are suddenly there for me in small but very important ways. It’s like I’ve discovered the concept of women as caring friendly creatures. I feel strengthened by it. I feel supported by it. I feel suddenly like I’m not at all alone in this world. I think this is what they call faith. My faith doesn’t come from believing in God, it doesn’t come from knowing Jesus or any other deity for that matter. It comes from suddenly realizing that there are good humans everywhere. They are gentle, kind, supportive, beautiful women. They’re my goddesses and they’re very much flesh and blood.

There are times when you shouldn’t stay. When it’s best to say goodbye and with this post I’ve done the full circle in my mind it seems. I no longer belong to him or anyone else. I’m once more free. I’m once more unattached, (unhinged,) without love in my life and I am once more wondering if I will ever find a man that can be friend and lover. I need both. I can’t settle for just the friend. It’s not in my nature. I deserve to have it all.

There will no doubt be many posts in the next few days, probably several per day. Ii need to talk my way through this. You’re welcome to take this journey with me. I value your comments. I value your presence. I invite you into my healing journey as I enter stage two of the breakdown. The first stage was about recovering from the breakdown caused by work; this stage is about the relationship I hoped would be the one I could feel comfortable in for a long time coming to an end. If it doesn’t come to an end I would be very, very surprised.

If I had known when I was 20 years old that a lot of the things I thought I would absolutely have in my life by now wasn’t going to be there I wonder if I would have plotted a different course. Will I plot a different course now? Will I finally allow my dreams to grow and become reality or will I forever compromise and settle because I can’t see that there’s so much more to this than I’ve allowed myself to see? Is this really all there is? I don’t think so, but how do you get to the rest of it? How do you get to a place where you can relax, stop worry and feel enormously content? How do you find love, the kind of love that lasts forever and that's not scary, problematic and filled with conflict?

If you have the answers to any of those questions please share. We could make a fortune you and I if we found a way to sell those answers!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

How to not enjoy life

Expect everyone else to behave and think like you do.

Worry and fret about everything. Make sure to include things unlikely to happen and when they don’t happen, worry even more.

Don’t enjoy life’s simple pleasures. Fixate on meatier matters. Stop enjoying sunsets and the first cup of coffee of the day. If your dog wags its tail when it sees you, decide not to take it personally.

Don’t appreciate your achievements, instead minimize them and regard them as things that any fool could do.

Keep raising the bar and turn striving for excellence into an exhausting, everlasting quest without an end goal.

Be much harder on yourself than you would be on others. Embrace martyrdom fully! Make things harder on yourself.

Expect others to know when you’re upset and regard their failure to know as a sign that they don’t care about you at all. If they still care tell yourself it's because they are codependant and they have no choice.

Blame your parents, siblings, cousins, co-workers, bosses and teachers, hell even your neighbors, for how your life’s turned out. Let there be no statute of limitations on their perceived transgressions and wrong doings.

Find people to associate with who have a similar negative outlook on life so you can reinforce each other’s’ feelings. If you can find someone who also berates you for your neagtive outlook on life it's even better.

Forget about breaking your goals up into smaller incremental steps. Accept nothing but the full achievement instantly every time.

Don’t set deadlines. You’ll get there eventually, right?

Expect an even playing field because, as you know, the world is renowned for being fair.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A moment in my mind

My mind is a messy place at times. It's a state chiefly caused by all the things I let lie around in it.

This morning I woke up about an hour or so too early. Having checked the time my mind and I, for once in total agreement, decided that we should go back to sleep until the alarm actually went off. Why get up early on a cold winter's morning when you can stay in your comfortable, warm little nest for a bit longer?

I began to dream. It was as if my mind had decided to come up with all sorts of scenarios to scare the crap out of me. It wanted to nightmare.

First there was the vampires. Now, I love True Blood and I loathe Twilight so vampires aren't particularly scary to me. The mind really tried but they just didn't scare me.

Then there was the werewolves. Again, I love True Blood and I still loathe Twilight, and I adore wolves so the werewolves weren't particularly scary to me either.

This was followed by flesh eating zombies. Now I don't love or loathe anything with flesh eating zombies in it but I can tell from my experience this morning that they're not particularly pleasant to be around. They don't scare me though. Not one bit. They were more like annoying flies really.

It was at this point I decided that it was all really lame. I loudly proclaimed that fact in my dream because by that stage I was dreaming lucidly. I had also come to realize that I was in a sort of parallel world to which I had traveled and because it was all so lame I decided that I wanted to go home.

I went back to my hotel room, apparently they have hotel rooms in the vampire-werewolf-zombie parallel world, to pack my things so I could catch the flight back home. Apparently you fly there. Just keep that in mind if you want to visit. I would imagine that the airfare is fairly cheap.

In the hotel room I gathered my stuff, and there was a lot of it, folded it all up neatly and reached under the bed to pull my suitcase out from under it. I had obviously stuffed it under the bed to keep it out of the way. Very organized of me.

When I pulled out my suitcase I got the shock of my life. I couldn't believe what I saw. I felt utter panic. There was the suitcase no bigger than a briefcase and I had at least two normal suitcases' worth of stuff that I somehow needed to get in it. I became increasingly frantic and panicked even more. I completely lost it but luckily I was woken up by the alarm clock.

So apparently I'm fine with vampires, werewolves and flesh eating zombies but I cannot, I simply cannot, handle the mere thought of not having a suitcase big enough to get all my stuff into.

There. A moment in my mind. Are you as worried about me as I am? It's a good thing my psychologist called me Monday to let me know she was lodging paperwork to get more sessions paid for by my breakdown claim. It appears I need them. Badly.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The day after the day that marked the ten year anniversary

This is good because we need to remember and grieve...









But not this, the “We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids’ Book of Freedom” coloring book because we don't need to hate and make more anger...

"These attacks will change the way America deals with and views the Islamic and Muslim people around the world.

In Bin Laden’s house in Pakistan, Osama used his wives and children as shields as he tried to escape and get away from the American Military. But the coward Bin Laden could not escape. He was killed hiding behind the dress tail of a young woman.

Throwing his body into the sea showed him more respect than he showed to the people who died on 9/11."

Please stop that. We don't need that.

Are you making your world small?

How did you grow to be so small? How did the world you inhabit become such a limited one? What made you start believing that you had to think smaller than you really were meant to? When did you stop realizing that the world expands to accommodate the size of our ideas, that there are no limits?

Someone once said to you “You’re too smart for your own good.” Or, “You’re getting too big for your own shoes.”

You believed them. You developed a kind of anorexia that made you believe that you’re somehow unworthy of the space you take up. You believe it at least subconsciously. Now you don’t think you have the right to claim more of this world or that you have a right to lay claim to space that you may or may not use in the future. You think the world dictates where you’re going but you have the right to plot your own course.

You’re supposed to take a leap of faith off this planet into an ever expanding Universe. Whoever created you wanted you to fly! Or, at least believe that you could.

It started a long time ago. You acted dumber and weaker, pretended not to know in order to appear less threatening so that others, who feel small too, could feel better about themselves.

Inside there’s another voice, the voice that gives you permission to be bigger and to claim more space. If you accept it you can live big and turn dreams into reality.

There’s enough room for everyone, there really is. There’s enough room for every single person who believe they deserve it. Only the ones who don’t believe run out of space.

If you can’t give yourself permission I will give it to you.

I give you permission to take up more space and to be grander. See? It’s really that easy. You can start small. Allow your dreams back in and expand them. It will make a difference, you’ll see.

Expand. You’re allowed to. I want to see you shine.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Purity

I am amazed at the seeker of purity
who when it's time to be polished
complains of rough handling.
That harshness isn't toward you,
O son,but toward the harmful
qualities within you.
When someone beats a rug,
the blows are not against the rug,
but against the dust in it.
Rumi

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I still don't feel any better

I really don't. I wish I did. I feel like everything I hope for has been shat on but the problem is that I know I hoped for too much. I saw what I wanted to see. I ignored a lot of the signs that I perhaps should have heeded. I should have allowed the cynicism I fought so hard to actually permeate so I could look at the situation from all angles. I allowed myself to settle down in the vain hope that I would actually have what I wanted this time. I've waited so long. I've lost hope before and this time I actually thought that there was a chance.

I don't believe in love anymore. I don't expect to be swept off my feet. I don't think I even expect fidelity anymore. Honesty though, that's another kettle of fish and once you've found that someone you trusted has lied and hidden things from you it's hard to believe that it will ever be different, that you can trust that person again. That's where I'm at and I'm there because this time it was based on friendship. I was told that friendship is a much higher state than love. Yet here I am, being treated like a lover you lie and cheat. I'm not even confused about it, you know.

I'm being told it's my own fault. I knit pick apparently. I thought, foolishly that I was communicating and letting him know when something was wrong. I'm probably wrong when I say this: I see the end is nigh and it hurts but being treated like I have and knowing that it will more than likely not end here if I allow this "friendship" to continue puts fear in me. All I wanted, and want, is a soft place to feel and someone I could feel safe with.

I'm naked now. Now you do know the nature of my dilemma but what I haven't told you yet is that I feel utterly pathetic. It's clear that I need to let go in order to stop the pain but I just can't. Every time I try I remember that feeling of being special and it's so very seductive. I want it back. I know I can't have it but I do.

So if you, my dear reader have encouraging words that you've been waiting to share now is the time. My heart is breaking but I fear there's very little to break anymore. I fear that now it's really the last time I allow anyone to get close to me.

When you're at a crossroads and you don't like the options - try building a new road

I'm not doing good. I hate to share my bad with you but I'm really not doing good. I'm still at the damned crossroads and I seem completely unable to move. I am paralyzed.

For a brief time I tried forging a new path because neither of the two I saw as being my choices suited me. I couldn't shake that feeling that there must be more to it than this. I have a gut feeling you see, and I'm used to being able to trust my gut. It seems I'm now having a gut feeling and conflicting evidence.

It's hard not to have simple tools like magic on your side. None of my crystal balls seem to want to tell me the future and my tarot cards don't tell me what they're readings are about. The pictures are pretty though, that's some consolation.

So here I am, old enough to know better and naive enough to believe that somehow if I just stand here in the same spot things will suddenly fall into place. I'm no good with waiting. I like to solve things quick and move on, set a new course and get down to it. I like to leave pain and trouble behind and replace with something better.

So while I try to scry my future, I would like some certainty you see, I also try to hold onto the vain hope that this time, yes this time, all that stuff I wanted in my life is just waiting around the corner ready to pounce on me and immerse me in it.

I'm waiting. I wish I could move.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

More thinking – Freedom of Choice

The current thinking in the Western world is that the more choices we have to choose from the more freedom we have. In order to maximize freedom we need to maximize choice.

Hmmm.

When I first came to Australia I couldn’t believe there were no dark breads available to buy in the supermarket. You could barely find them anywhere. There were about 20 different white breads, all square in shape but there no dark breads to be found. I found it hard to choose which one because I didn’t know which white breads were good, they all tasted the same to me and I didn’t really want white bread anyway.

Nowadays there’s plenty of choice of darker breads but I don’t eat more sandwiches. I do, however, spend more time trying to select the “right” bread often leaving the shop wondering if I shouldn’t have chosen something else.

When my second husband moved from the US to join me here in Australia he complained about the lack of choice when it came to soda and toothpaste. One side of a whole isle in our local supermarket was packed with different types of soda. There were several feet of shelving with five different brands of toothpaste and five to ten different variations at least. What more could you possibly need? In Sweden where I grew we didn’t even have half of these choices, hell you could hardly get coke. He thought we were backward where I grew.

Nowadays I don’t drink soda and I use the toothpaste my dentist told me to use. If I drank soda and had a dentist that refused to take sides when it comes to toothpastes I would be lost trying to choose myself.

Some people change their mobile phones often. I don’t. I would like to go buy a phone that doesn’t do anything but make or receive phone calls because that would make it easy to choose. Don’t get me started on phone plans. I’ve had the same one for almost 10 years. I tell myself it’s because it’s cheap and it suits me. The truth is that I suffer from paralysis. It’s the same paralysis that keeps from having an up to date passport because I can’t decide whether I should travel all the way to Canberra to get a new one or if I should finally become an Australian citizen, stay in Sydney and get the Australian passport here.

I have a theory when it comes to relationships and choice too. I think choice is why the divorce rates are up. It’s easier to think that the grass is greener on the other side now and go for a swap when the going gets a bit tough than to put in the hard work and make what you have work. I’m generalizing I know, I should know, I swapped out one bastard for another and then went on to spending two years in celibacy. It was about choice, trust me.

It’s everywhere. They push choice on us. It’s no longer possible to go to your bank and ask them for what is the best place to save your money. Nowadays they provide you with multiple choices and you have to choose. They give you options and you have to somehow make the decision about what’s best for you. Problem is that you’re not a finance wizard so it’s really hit and miss.

We buy much more than we have to because of choice. We’re so confused by all the choices we have that we don’t know what to pick so often we end up choosing several options in fear of missing out. Things on sale, we buy them because we don’t want to miss out even though we don’t really need more of it.

Personally, I get paralyzed by all these choices. I end up stalling making choices because I don’t know which ones the best. I’m supposed to be planning for my retirement and I now have three different superannuation funds. I should consolidate but I can’t figure out which fund is best for me. As far as I can tell my only option is to go see someone who will be trying to sell me another product, another superannuation fund, and then roll all my other ones into that one. But how do I know which company to choose? How do I know that what will be recommended today won’t be bad in the future? I don’t. No one does. It’s a gamble.

In the last generation depression has exploded and this during a time when life has become very easy in the Western world and we have more choices available to us than ever. When you make a choice from all that’s offered and you’re still not happy there’s only you to blame. You made the wrong choice. Maybe. Did you? Who knows? When there were limited choices you didn’t have to blame yourself if what you got didn’t suit you perfectly, the world was at fault. You didn’t have to feel bad about it.

The weird thing is that we live in a world where part of it suffers from having too many choices, and it’s not making them any happier, and the other part doesn’t have enough choices. The solution seems so simple, doesn’t it? A simple redistribution of resources, a few less choices of toothpaste in the Western world, in exchange for more food in the third world. We here in the Western world wouldn’t even notice the different.

I’m just saying.

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