Sunday, August 21, 2011

Still at the crossroads but feeling better about it

I have the flu. Yes, it seems that every year I have to do the tango with some virus and every year I wonder why I don't have the sense to vaccinate against it. I don't know. What can I say? I have high hopes for my immune system's ability to fight off viral invaders and I choose to put my faith in it. The result is the I get the flu.

Cross roads? Yes, I'm still there and I don't have a bloody clue which way to turn but I found that when you sit there and go "WTF life?!" there are people who reach out to total strangers and offer to lend an ear. It's nice you know, just knowing that such people exist. Interestingly for me more and more people like this are coming into my life, what with the breakdown and all, but more interestingly for me, they are women.

I and women have always had a precarious relationship. I've always found it hard to make friends with them because they can be such bitches. Thinking like that is confusing if you are one too (and by that I mean either woman or bitch). I always found it easier to get along with men and I have now begun to suspect it was because I found that they were easier to handle because I could get away with playing the girl with them. You know, a small dose of "help me, I am a mere woman and I require manly assistance" can get you very far at times. I don't like admitting it but I think that's the game I was playing.

But now, it appears, it is the age of the sisterhood and that's really nice. It's nice to explore this new avenue because it means that I now have more potential friends to make and keep as mine. It's nice because I'm a woman and it's nice to talk girly things sometimes. I'm in engineering and lord knows that's a field that really lacks women. I need more girls around me. I need more bantering, nattering, laughing and crying girls.

Perhaps that feeling of being at a crossroads is just about feeling my way through new territory because boy, oh boy, have I had to feel my way through new territory this weekend. Sometimes life turns around and bites your ankle in a way that leaves you no choice but to start moving and thinking about what's next. What is next? Well, I guess that's the question.

What do I want next? Ideas are beginning to form but a lot of them lie so far out of my comfort zone that I don't even know where to start. Maybe it's like eating an elephant. You just start where it looks good and slowly work your way through it, over weeks, months and perhaps even years before you finish that sucker clean off.

Sometime you get to that point, a turning point, in your life where you're ripe to change direction and try something new. A lot of the time you don't because you get afraid and you think it may not work out. But what if it does? So what if it doesn't! For me it's writing and it's writing about things too private and secret that I will have to go into territory I haven't even begun to explore. I'm beginning to feel like I'm ready. If I can just get over my fear.

Added later:
Isn't that what most of our challenges are about, getting over fear? There are so many fears that are imagined and like I said in a previous post one of my major ones is to be alone and without love. So much of my life has been spent in search of acceptance and of finding a place I feel at home. So much time has been lost because I've feared losing what little I had. I've held on to things, situations, people when they were all so wrong for me. It takes me a long time to let go but once I do I very rarely miss it.


  1. I never used to get along with other females, as a kid because I was a tomboy and later because I couldn't stand the girlie games and deceit and back-stabbing. Now that I'm in my 50's I have a small tribe of women friends and they are lovely. I think it's because we're past worrying about men and impressing them and can simply be ourselves. I'd like to live in a women-only commune, no men allowed, well, maybe we'd let Johnny Depp visit if he asked nicely!

  2. It's funny because I was thinking about it the other I came to the conclusion that the bitchiness really start going out of us after 40.

    I was never particularly girlie either but now I feel a lot more comfortable around women than I ever have. It's nice.

    Can I come and join you in your women-only commune? Can we make it in France simply because it sounds so divine living there and French is such a beautiful language. I can't speak it but it sounds divine you know.

  3. And seriously, don't ever type early in the morning when you've just woken up unless you have really good sense of humor. I was more than a little tired when I wrote the comment above but I meant well. Heh!


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