Monday, January 24, 2011

Corporate Jargon

Corporate jargon must die and this is a list of terms that are on top of the list of expressions that need to be assassinated pronto:

Sustainable
Wow! You’re going to produce something sustainable, like a sustainable solution. Personally I was going for something that would briefly impress then fail spectacularly.

Rightsizing
You think that this term will somehow ease the pain and stress of letting people go? I’m sure the person losing their job finds it easier now that they now they are part a sustainable solution.

Elevator Pitch
We get it, it means a short pitch. Funny thing is that whenever I’m in an elevator nobody ever talks!

Off-line
Want to take this off-line and not discuss this in the meeting? How come whenever you tell me you want to take it off-line it’s never discussed ever again? I get it now! It means I should shut up, doesn’t it?

Bandwidth
Using an IT term to describe the capacity of people or teams must mean that you’re in touch with what’s happening out there right? Wrong. It makes you look like a moron.

Synergy
Oh, so you think the team needs to synergize and to stop working in silos? Awesome! If you just could show some leadership maybe we could all get on the same page!

In the Current Economy
I think, unfortunately, it’s the only economy we realistically have to work with currently at present.

Baked In
Woot? Your ideas come with baked in components and ingredients and, I bet, sustainable solutions? How about some brownies with some baked in fun herbs in ‘em instead?

Outside the Box
Like something creative then?

Team Player
They want us to believe that this means that you fit into a team and that you get along with the other team members. What it really means is that you know how suck up to your boss and to tow the company line.

Silo
Oh, like where they keep the grain? No? An information silo is a management system that is incapable of reciprocal operation with other, related management systems. Urgh? You can’t be bothered telling others what’s going on and you can’t be stuffed listening to them either.

Touch Base
Where did you even get this one? What the hell is wrong with saying getting in touch?

SME
Subject Matter Expert. Like you actually know how to do your job or something?

Best Practice
So you’re a consultant and you’re telling me that it’s best practice to use the kind of retarded flowchart you are showing me that tells me absolutely nothing. Nice try there but you didn’t succeed in making me feel stupid.

Business as Usual
Nothing’s changed then, is that what you’re saying?

In the Trenches
Let’s not pretend that your corporate environment has anything like World War I, just let’s not.

Core Competency
This is apparently what you must have to work in the organization. Subject to change on a day to day basis or with a change of management.

Incentivize
I know it takes more words and a little more effort to say “to provide an incentive” but it’s so much easier to understand. It’s communication (or perhaps that’s communicatizing to you).

Managerize
To manage. Refer above. ‘Nuff said.

Cloud Computing
WTF? What the hell is wrong with calling it servers no matter where they’re located?

Currently at present
For some time I thought it was only my company’s IT help desk that needed to really emphasize that right NOW all operators are busy by saying "currently at present" in the on-hold message but apparently not. It’s spreading my dears, and it’s spreading currently at present.

Getting on the same page
I’m feeling a little crowded. How about you?

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