Friday, October 24, 2014

Thursday, October 23, 2014

"Never need a reason to love anything or anyone!"

I could have made that the sentence of the day and a lot of people in the "spiritual community" would have loved me for it (pardon the half baked pun). How many spiritual people do I have visiting my blog anyway?

I don't know.

It just occurred to me. I'm sitting here writing "at" you and I don't know all that much about you, my audience. It's both a sobering and exciting thought for someone who's spent 15 years specializing in technical writing professionally. When you're a technical writer knowing your audience, knowing who you are writing for and what they know, is just about everything. It's holy.

I feel like I'm rebelling now and I think it's doing the burnt out professional part of me a whole lot of good.


I got off topic too. That's another no-no so I'm really breaking ground and breaking habits here.

Anyway, in order to prevent complete anarchy here, I will get back on task and go back to where I started.

If any of you have spent any time in any spiritual practice, even if it's just as a way of healing your codependent selves, you will know that thing spiritual people do preaching unconditional love. It's a lovely thought, and I actually think it's quite possible and very nice, but I think that if you're like me, a codependent love addict that is, you need to really be careful with that one.

There are people who some of us simply should not love, not in "that" way anyway. (Anonymous, where are you when I need you? You'd back me up on this, wouldn't you?)

There are people who need to learn that the kind of unconditional love we're talking about, is the kind that healthy people can dish out without discrimination or exception, because healthy people can do it without giving up big pieces of themselves in the process. If you're like me, a codependent love addict, you need to tell yourself the opposite: There are plenty of reasons not to love anything or anyone.

Actually, let's make that the sentence of the day for those of us out there who are codependent (and I'm repeating it for you too just so you really get it), special edition for codependent love addicts:

There are plenty of reasons not to love anything or anyone.

For those of us who are codependent love addicts this a mantra we need to make part of our spiritual practice until we have conquered that dreaded thing that makes us think and feel it's a great idea to shack up with the first (and subsequent) borderline personality disordered/codependent love avoiding/narcissistic creature we set our eyes on. In fact maybe another mantra we need to carry with us, and another sentence of the day for the codependent love addicts out here, is:

Never a need a reason to love myself.

Us codependent love addict peoples probably need to pack that in the survival kit so as to avoid future injury and catastrophy.

I know I'm having a hard time getting to the point here but the whole gist of my post is that as much as I love hanging about in spiritual communities, and as much as I tend to read a lot of stuff related to spiritual subjects, I sometimes think that some of the things being thrown out there in them is for a more whole and healed soul than what many of us have been able to develop due to our circumstances.

For many of us it is a struggle to learn to love ourselves first, and to learn to love ourselves enough not to stay in situations and relationships that are not good for because we feel we don't deserve better, or are not worthy of better. We need to kind of take it on board and instead of projecting it outwards, project in towards our own fragmented selves for a while or at least part of the time.

Now, if you're one my fellow wounded and fragmented beings, if you're in dire need of a hug today and you just don't have a lot of love to give to all the other needy critters out there, know that I love you and you do too. See how I snuck that in? You love you too, and it's OK for you to do that until you feel whole enough and healed enough to unleash your own brand of unconditional love on an unsuspecting and love-thirsty world. Until then my friend, keep it to yourself. You deserve it!

Sentence of the day

If everywhere you go there's problems, guess what?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Sentence of the day

One Buddhist monk leaned over to another and quietly asked, “Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Sentence of the day

It's better to create something that others criticize than to create nothing and criticize others.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Sentence of the day

Once I learned that my voice was important it no longer matter who didn't want to hear me because I wanted to hear me.

I took a dive and realized some important things about myself

I've tried to avoid it as much as I could but I took a not so elegant swan dive mentally and emotionally the other day. What triggered it was some sort of hormone imbalance, or it triggered some sort of hormone imbalance, and my cycles are all screwed up (if you know what I mean) and I slept for three days.

I still feel like I need more sleep and I don't feel ready to go back to work tomorrow.

Work is taking a lot out of me and it has especially in the last year. I've long been of the opinion that work shouldn't do that to you, that your work should inspire you as well as earn you a good living, but those who have been around for a while know that my work has failed me there for almost four years now.

There's no excuse to stay in a job that makes you unhealthy be it mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. So, it's time for me to move on.

I'm taking the coward's way out. Instead of walking out now I'm staying until after Christmas so I can get my paid holiday and take serious time off with teen Bee. I also need to tweak my CV, myself and also get a much better picture of what it is I can and want to do in today's job market.

In the meantime, as a way of entertaining and making my life more fulfilling, I'm taking a course in reading oracle cards which will certify me. I find this kind of funny how you can be a certified oracle card reader. I've read cards for myself and others for a decade and half but it's been a clandestine operation. I want to make it more part of myself now simply because it adds some spice to my life and it makes me feel good. If you're good I'll give you a reading for absolutely nothing.

It's time for me to take charge of my life and begin a new chapter. My own happiness and well being will finally have to become my priority and all that drama I've had in my life has got to stop.

I've often wondered how it all started, all that codependency and trouble I've had with men in my life, and I thought that I had burrowed down enough into my soul and psyche to understand it pretty well, but it dawned on me two days ago that I wasn't only playing out childhood abandonment issues, I am also playing the part of my mother beautifully.

I think it's hard for most women to realize that they have become their own mother in essense.

My parents have been married for over 50 years but I can tell you this, I can't ever recall seeing them happy together and I certainly remember the simmering conflict over money being constant. If you had asked me six months ago I would have said that they had a relatively happy marriage, there were no open fights or arguments, but now I realize that the relationship was lopsided in so many ways, and that it's still a constant power struggle. It's no wonder I have constant conflict with men in my life even though most of my closer friends are also males.

Armed with the realization that I'm no like my mother I'm setting out on a journey to change that. I'm setting out on yet another journey to find peace and to find myself. It's one of many but I think we're getting to the point where I finally feel I'm getting somewhere. But, what I must do is to find a way to heal myself and to take better care of myself because physical manifestations of your mental troubles are never cool.

I declare the remaining part of 2014 a time to heal. By the 17th of January 2015 I'm going to be in much better shape. Why that date? It marks the 15th anniversary of me starting work with my current employer. Hopefully it will also mark the end.

A toast my friends to a new me!

And I'm serious about the oracle card reading. You can get one for free from me if you like.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Not the sentence of the day

 It's not the sentence of the day and it shouldn't be.

I'm the quintessential grumpy old woman today.

I just cannot seem to muster any other mood. So, rather than fighting against it I'm just going to embrace it, and consider it practice for when I've really earned the right to be one, when I'm older, more jaded and have a hell of a lot more to be bitchy about.

I'm just saying.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sentence of the day

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.