Friday, July 17, 2015

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Week after week

We’re back into the week again and so far no surprises. This week looks the same as all the other weeks which is a worry; the weeks don’t bother distinguishing themselves from one another anymore. The weeks have become lazy and they’re not even trying.
I could try to take some comfort in it I guess (or even try to feel a little grateful for it). There’s no nasty surprises coming my way here, but it’s rubbing off on me, the laziness I mean. I can’t use depression or anxiety as an excuse not to do something about it because I licked that stuff back in January and I have a piece of paper to prove it. It’s hard to dispute cold hard facts even when you have decades of experience with arguing with yourself.
This morning before I went to work I sat down and I wrote down what I did yesterday, step by step, and I compared it to what I thought my day would be like today, and to what my days were last week and the weeks before that. Not a lot of difference or change even though I had sent my daughter off to Melbourne for five days a few weeks ago, and she had been assaulted at school (in class, in front of a teacher and the whole class!) triggering a post-traumatic stress thing in me. I managed to keep it all on an even and very boring habitual keel the whole time.
We do spend a lot of time planning ahead and planning our days to make it easier to keep up with the demands placed on us. We form habits for the same reason. At work we have processes to keep everyone doing the same thing the same way. We pretty much have the same conversations with the same people and we greet them in pretty much the same way every day. We have the same kind of meetings. Essentially I have no problem with it except for when you end up in a position where you need or want a different result than what you’re currently getting.
I wrote another list this morning, a list of the things I want in my life or how I want my life to be, a kind of wish list of you like. Everything on it was reasonable and sane (I left off the pet dragon and the miniature unicorn). It was a list of things I feel I both deserve and can actually have. Writing that list made me feel good and kind of hopeful, and like I was working towards something better for myself.
I could have stopped there but putting the two lists side by side I realized that not a single item on my first list is supporting me in getting any of the things I had written on my second list. Not a single thing! I don’t take one single tiny step towards getting what I really want for myself on any given day.
It’s a bit alarming because I’ve come to think of myself as capable and kind of goal oriented, after all I set out to crush anxiety and depression and I did it in less than eight months, and did it through changing the way I think, the beliefs I had and my habits. I know I can kick arse and take names when I set my mind to it when it comes to transforming, and I can’t help feeling like I have dropped the proverbial ball here.
But, it pays to remember that quite often when you feel like that it’s because you fail to take into account how far you’ve already come and that perhaps your frustration lies in having manoeuvred yourself into a mental and emotional state that no longer matches the environment you’re in, an environment that was created by what your old mental and emotional state allowed you to have.
Rome wasn’t built in a day they claim so I suppose I have to settle for my life not being exactly what I want it to be right now either, but I have to say that the main thing that I am grateful for with doing that exercise is that I seem to have broadened the scope for myself significantly.
One thing that can become super frustrating in life is that working on it or working through things just seems to be an endless process so if you expect to arrive at some sort of destination, well then you’re going to be tearing your hair out. We’re constantly moving, changing and reshaping ourselves, and the good news is that most of the time it’s to the extent we ourselves decide it will be. Sure, there are times when life smacks you right up the side of your head, knocks you for a six andpulls the rug out from under you, but most of the time the things that happen to us and the changes that happen in us are the ones we have chosen for ourselves. It may not be what we think we really want and it may not be what we think we really like but you can bet that it’s always what some part of you want that wanted just that even if it was just to protect you from dreaming bigger and being disappointed when it didn’t come to fruition.
I came to realize this morning that after a tumultuous few years post my nervous breakdown and all that crap with O, the thing I wanted the most was a sense of safety and stability. I gave myself week after week of the same so there would be no nasty surprises. I knew what I was up for on any given day and an curveballs were easier to handle because my weeks were like that. It’s not what I want any more though and it’s time to shake things up a bit and to take some risks again. It’s time to dream bigger and to bring the magic back into life again.
We can choose to sit on the sidelines for many reasons and it’s OK. It’s not always a good time to expand our horizons and to chase our dreams but when things start becoming boring and frustrating then the least we can do for ourselves is to check in to see if we can’t get in touch with what we’re truly needing and wanting. It’s virtually guaranteed to ease some of the pains that we needlessly experience in life and more often than not it inspires us to make small changes that make our lives more joyful and easy.
I’m just saying.