Monday, July 7, 2014

On becoming your story and leaving it behind

I happen to be in therapy.

On one hand it's annoying because I *should* know better by now.

On the other hand it's good because it means I'm working in myself and my own healing.

On the third hand, the virtual hand that's inevitably grown out of a need to illustrate something at this point, the real temptation to become my own story is a little too real.

We do that a lot. We do it a lot more when we attempt to heal from past trauma. We arrive at examining the why and how we are as wounded as we are. We find reasons, justifications and acceptance in it. Soon we begin to tell the story of it, and to identify with it and the understanding and acceptance we feel from ourselves and others, most probably from our own therapist but also friends and strangers we meet, begins to solidify this as what is us.  We tell the story to ourselves and others so many times we start to really believe it's us and that it serves us.

Our story.

Who we are.

Why we are.

The explanation and clarification of ME.

It's OK to spend some time with and in that story but if you want to go beyond it and heal, move forward and feel better, you have to leave the safety of your story bubble and step out into something new. You have to be brave enough and courageous enough to understand that knowing your story is never going to fulfill the need you have aching in you as a result of your wound or as a result of never having your needs met in the first place.

The only option you have is to keep going and leave your story behind.

Make it your own story, crumple it up and decide to write yourself a brand new story, one in which you're the heroin and more, if not all, of your needs are met and fulfilled.

It takes courage to do that. It takes real courage to sit down and examine your story and not look at what happened to you but for what your needs were and how they are met or not met. When you made your choices, the ones that you don't like now, what needs where you trying to meet and how did your choices miss the target.

What were your trade offs?

When you had that relationship with deadbeat number X what need did it meet in you and what needs weren't met by the relationship?

What needs do you have now that you didn't have then?

How could you have better met those needs?

When you binged on those cookies what need were you trying to meet? What feelings did you try to bury?

I've come to realize that unless I figure out what I need I'm just not going to move forward and out of my story bubble. The story bubble is safe and it contains understanding and acceptance but this butterfly needs to unfold and to fly.

My choices are simple. I stay here in the bubble and "know" who I am because I know my story or I step out into the unknown and create something larger than that story that may or may not be what I need.

I've been my story for too long. The story I am now is new and it contains new realizations but I can't stay here. I really can't stay in it.