Sunday, January 14, 2018

I'll be OK, just not today

My mother has Alzeheimer's. Over the course of six months I have watched from a distance how my mother seems to be disappearing bit by bit.

I'm watching from a distance because I live in Australia and she lives in Sweden. I'm watching from a distance how my father and brother have tried to kind of cover it up. I though, realised that things were rapidly changing when there seemed to be gaps in how she remembered me, when her picture of me had become romanticized and sanitized, as though once the gaps in her memories started appearing she was filling them with more palatable "truths".

I'm watching from a distance and my brother and father wants me to jump on a plane so I can see her before she dies, but I know, I know on the deepest soul and heart level, that she's not present anymore. At all.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

It's Day Something of my Radical Something-Something Project

You can't trust me. I set out on a new and shiny path and I don't follow through. I feel a little like that about my whole life at the moment but I do realize that it's mostly related to any creative endeavours I embark on.  But, here's a "funny" fact about my radical self-love project:

I well and truly followed through on it, I just stopped documenting it here, and in the new true Spilling Ink fashion I sat down and contemplated why.

And, in the process of contemplating why, I found that there are more things I like about myself nowadays than there are things I don't. This came as quite a surprise to me but it was a good surprise, kind of like getting a Christmas present you had thought of but didn't think to wish for because it seemed a little too much of a stretch.

Oh, my hair still kind of tops the list.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

I managed six days of public self-love before I lost steam, public steam that is. I have a theory about why. Something in me has broken when it comes to the confidence I used to have about my writing and putting my thoughts out here on the interwebs. For the past one and half years I've actually judged what it is I'm doing and I've become a little perfectionistic about it.

Perfectionism leads to procrastination which leads to paralysis. This is a pretty common theme in my life and it has been for the past few years, even when I find something that I really, really want to do.

There's something broken inside of me, something that I'm currently in the process of healing, something that's making my own judgement of myself incredibly fascinating and visible to me. Coming out of a condition of chronic pain unmasked a lifetime of self-criticism that I quite frankly do not like.

I don't think I'm any worse than most people, and probably any of you, or that I'm more critical of myself than most, in fact I know I'm not. I'm just more honest about it with myself nowadays.

Friday, July 21, 2017

It's Day 6 of my Radical Self-Love Project

We need a picture today. We really do.

It's day 6 and I woke up just before the alarm clock after a night of extremely poor sleep. Too many thoughts and too much wondering. I forgot about my resolve to meditate and I forgot that I go inwards for answers. I got scared and I felt powerless.

I think that this is probably a natural part of what I set out to do, a form of self-sabotage, a way for the subconscious to try to protect the beliefs it's put in place to protect me from getting hurt again. It wants me to forget about this and it thinks this is a stupid idea. Me being tired gives it more space to play. Me being tired makes me less able to fight against it taking back the ground I gained this week.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

It's Day 5 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's too early to think or feel, or is it? I'm feeling a little sad on the inside today, like deep down inside. It's bubbling up and I kind of knew this would happen. As we move the smaller things that cover the deeper stuff up it tends to uncover the things that bubble away under the surface, the things we work hard at not having to deal with. These are the things that feed any addictive and destructive behaviours.

I started noticing a change in what I wanted to eat just a couple of days ago. I'd got in to the habit of eating sweets, a sure sign that I feel insecure and anxious. Instead of wanting to eat I started to feel anxious, and I started to worry again, and when I started to feel those things I tried very hard to try to let them be there.

There are plenty of signs that my fears are unfounded. There's still plenty of room for my fears to play. This is a work in progress. This is a process.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

It's Day 4 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's day 4 of my radical self-love project and this morning I'm laughing a little at my using the word "radical". It's early days, it's baby steps, but just the fact that I'm concentrating on loving myself at all is a kind of radical rebellion against how I've been thinking and treating myself for the five decades I've been alive. Even after only three days I'm starting to pay better attention to how I treat myself and most definitely how I think about myself. While I've been eating well for the past year because of my fibromyalgia I can still improve and every time I put something in my I think about what it is, and  it's not in that judgy wudgy way I used to. I feel a genuine need to eat what supports my body.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

It's Day 3 of my Radical Self-Love Project

I dropped the ball yesterday. I didn't post at night yesterday. In my defence it was an act of self-love. As I got up to leave work my dad called (my landline is redirected to my mobile) and since I didn't want to talk to him while I was on the bus that became a conversation had later.

I like talking to my dad nowadays. We talk about happy memories and I realise just how much of an early feminist he was back in the 80s when I was a teen. I'm starting to see where the strong belief I have that I as a woman can do anything comes from. I didn't see it clearly before because my mum isn't like that at all.

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I'll be OK, just not today

My mother has Alzeheimer's. Over the course of six months I have watched from a distance how my mother seems to be disappearing bit...

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